JP: Leadership for America

A VISION OF THE FUTURE

JP's opponents, Batmite and Virgil (and then Virgil again), are both willing to say anything necessary to be elected. But only JP uses the straight talk that real Americans respect.

Virgil voted 90% of the time to increase the salaries of female bloggers who moonlight as college instructors. She spends taxpayer money on extravagant hats and buddies who wear designer sunglasses.

Virgil pays extra-special attention to her kitty cat. Everyone knows that cat-lovers have suspicious motives and plans for global domination.

Virgil is a "community organizer" who wants to force YOU to learn how to read... taking away your freedom to choose how literate you want to be.
And this photograph is in black and white, which proves how evil she is.

Virgil: We can't afford to put the country in her hands.
Batmite: He's not even a citizen, and he's running a clean campaign. He'll never win anyway.

But JP looks really sexy in a suit, and he's secure enough to wear a purple tie.

JP has the strength of a Viking, the fortitude of a drunken Irishman, and the jolly disposition of a Hawaiian.

JP: Just look at that trustworthy baby face. Could this man possibly be capable of deceit?

Virgil wants to steal your money, burn down your house, and eat your babies.
Vote for the man who will give you money, an extra house, and free babies.
Vote JP in November!

------------------------------------------

I'm JP, and I approved this message.



Paid for by the Beautiful Bloggers of America

I Couldn't Agree More

I love this clip. It's certainly an honest goof, but he sounds so damned adamant when he says, "And I couldn't agree with him more!" His attempt to backtrack is awkward, but it's hard to fail in rural PA by going the "patriotic" and "god loving" route.

[Side Note: Why do the terms "god loving people" and "god fearing people" refer to the same people? If you love and fear the same individual, that makes you a battered housewife or someone suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.]

If you haven't been following the news, Senator John Murtha [Dem] of Pennsylvania got into some trouble recently for announcing that the the people in rural Western Pennsylvania are racist rednecks. I will say sincerely what John McCain said by accident: I couldn't agree with him more.

As a proud Western Pennsylvania resident, I feel reasonably qualified to speak on this matter. Racism is a difficult issue to discuss - not because it makes people uncomfortable, but because people are often talking about very different things. 00 The problem, of course, is the word "racist." The word carries with it images of cross burnings, lynchings, and KKK rallies. By this definition, very few people in Western PA seem to be racist (though I do know a few who would be right at home with folks like that). But there are hazier areas that are more difficult to understand.

People with racial prejudices often don't realize that they have them, or they feel that their opinions are based upon factual observations. I notice that a lot of white people in Western PA are often afraid that they'll inadvertently anger a black guy. They think that they'll end up dead as a result. The savvy racist might fear legal trouble should an "uppity nigger" decide to sue him because of some "political correctness bullshit."

A few years ago, my friends and I went to New York City to see a Pirates away game at Yankee Stadium (obviously not my idea... but I'm always up for a road trip). We tried to take a short cut, and we made an inadvertent trip down a few blocks in the Bronx. It was maybe 5pm, sunny, and fairly crowded outside. There were old guys hanging outside talking, an old woman in a wheelchair was rolling down the street, and kids were playing jump rope and basketball outside. Of course, they were all black. I will readily admit that I'd be nervous if we were traveling in a black neighborhood at night on a desolate street (I am, after all, a Podunk hayseed from Kittanning), but I couldn't see anything threatening about this particular neighborhood at this time of day. The kids playing basketball even offered to let us in on their game (I hesitated only because I could be schooled by white cancer patients; Bronx kids who play every day would mop the floor with me). But a few of my friends (I won't name names, but you know who you are :) ) were quietly flipping out. Good god, by their account, we were lucky to survive.

Now my friends are not stupid, and I don't believe they're overtly or malevolently racist. They're actually observant. If you pay attention to the news, crime statistics, or any bad 80s movie, the Bronx is associated with black people, and inner city black people in New York are associated with rampant crime, muggings, and violence. Their association is understandable. But consider the source. The media only focuses on violence and crime because they're deviations from the norm. Crime statistics don't take into consideration the economic standings of the people in their percentages. And no good buddy cop movie was ever made from two guys having a fun and uneventful day in Harlem. Hell, Demolition Man would just lose some of its cinematic brilliance with Stallone hashing out the finer points of Shakespeare with Wesley Snipes.

I don't believe that berating Western Pennsylvania for being racist is productive. Most people aren't consciously being racist, and hassling them about it isn't going to change anything. On the other hand, people in Western Pennsylvania need to look around their little towns and come to one obvious conclusions.... THERE ARE NO BLACK PEOPLE HERE!!!! Jesus, you're making judgments about people you've never met based upon biased sources. I wouldn't expect anyone to love all black people sight unseen, but keep a freakin open mind.

The problem is a lack of information. Racism is learned, but so is tolerance. Most people with prejudices are well-meaning but uninformed.... and WOW. I just realized that I sound like a goddamn after-school special. I think I'll just stop now before I start lecturing you all about the dangers of drugs.

Besides, everyone knows that those dirty people from India are the real threat. You're going down, Batmite!! :)

--------------------------------------------
John McCain: Missing the obvious chance to get out of his gaffe by simply shouting "LET'S GO STEELERS!!"

JP For President

Batmite says he'll raise your taxes in order to pay for his extravagant drinking habit and leather fetish. And Batmite even told the Associated Press that he wants to kill all redheads.

Under Virgil's economic plan, gang members would receive government benefits, and she would spread the wealth to anyone who wears a bandanna.

Worst of all, Virgil pals around with known suspicious bearded brown man Batmite. Batmite has gone on record as stating, "The Green Lantern Corps is fucking awesome!" Do we really want people in the White House who support a galactic police force that wants to take away your freedom?

Virgil and Batmite: Wrong on taxes. Wrong on the economy. Wrong on gang violence. And wrong on galactic security.

But JP is a man of the people who listens to the problems of real Americans.

JP is tough on environmental issues, and he voted repeatedly for Senator Fred Rogers's stricter sanitation laws in the Land of Make Believe.

And JP has the necessary leadership experience necessary to fight against an economic Wii-cession.

Vote for the blogger who has your best interests at heart.
Vote for real change!

------------------------------------

I'm JP, and I approved this message.


Paid for by the Blogging National Committee.

The Manly Everyman

A few days ago, this issue of Popular Mechanics appeared on our dining room table. The big subtitle for this issue: "100 Skills Every Man Should Know." I don't know why I opened it. I knew what would be there: a list consisting of 50 things I don't know how to do, 25 things I'm afraid to do, and probably 20 things I would rather hire someone to do. I figured I could do five of the things on the list. After all, I do have a penis.

I could do more of the things on their list than I thought I could. It turns out that real men should be able to tape drywall, set up a ladder, build a fire in the woods, iron a shirt, operate some basic power tools, change a diaper, drive a stick shift, tie a necktie, hitch up a trailer, parallel park, change a tire, fix a toilet-tank flapper, shovel (I don't see how anyone could screw this up), mix concrete, prune bushes and small trees, ride a bike (again, this is a challenge?), jump start a car, and fold the American flag. These are all things that I can do reasonably well.

But just about everything else on this list is meant to make me feel like an effeminate sissy, but I think the list has some pretty harsh demands. You'd have to be Paul Fucking Bunyan to be able to do everything on this list. Most of it is the typical heteronormative outdoorsy crap that I was expecting: split firewood, fell a tree, throw a spiral pass with a football, shoot a gun straight, cast a fishing line, replacing several different car parts, etc. But some of it is just goofy. Number 48 is "Conquer an off-road obstacle." Is this really a big issue for every man in the country? My Ford Escort can barely make it over a speed bump let alone the craggy peak that they show this Expedition crossing. Number 59 is "Home-brew beer." That's right penis-packers! Every man should know how to brew his own goddamn beer. It's not like it takes over a month and requires hard-to-find ingredients. In number 64, they expect you to "run rapids in a canoe." Fuck that. Just... fuck that. Number 73 is "skipper a boat." First of all, how often does one use the word "skipper" as a verb. Second, doesn't skippering a boat first require HAVING a boat. Guess real men are rolling in the greenbacks.

My personal favorite is number 66: "Escape a sinking car." It's not that this is not an important thing to know, but this seems to be a difficult thing to test. The idea of waiting for the water to fill the interior of the car until the pressure is equalized enough for you to open the door is not a particularly difficult concept. However, not panicking, not pissing your pants, and not having your lungs fill with water as you're screaming like a little girl aren't really covered in the magazine. When you're cozy on dry land, it's easy to say you'd keep your cool, but when your ass is sinking into a river, we'll see how collected you stay.

I'm not surprised that I don't measure up to any standard of masculinity. I don't have a hard-on for sports. I don't like to hunt. I refuse to touch a fish unless it's batter-dipped and deep fried. I don't know shit about cars beyond jumping the battery and checking the fluids and tire pressure. Even the nerdy realms of masculinity are foreign to me. I don't really play violent video games. I don't know jack about computers. And even though Wikipedia, cartoons, and Batmite have taught me more about the Marvel and DC universes than anyone should know, I don't read comic books. Granted, Star Trek fans are mostly male, but that's not really something to brag about. I didn't see "Know the Difference Between Romulans and Cardassians" on the skills list.

The sports apathy is always the big one. I came across this quote from David Sedaris recently:
"I had no interest in football or basketball but had learned it was best to pretend otherwise. If a boy didn't care for barbecued chicken or potato chips, people would accept it as a matter of personal taste, saying, 'Oh well, I guess it takes all kinds.' You could turn up your nose at the president or Coke or even God, but there were names for boys who didn't like sports. When the subject came up, I found it best to ask which team my questioner preferred. Then I'd say, 'Really? Me too!'"

Of course, David Sedaris is proudly and flamingly gay, so he doesn't really help my cause.

I had a long conversation with one of my professors last year about "Queer Theory" because I thought it sounded rather offensive. It seemed like it involved searching for gay stereotypes in the strangest of places. After quite a bit of our usual difficult banter (the professor and I both thought the other was an asshole), I finally got the idea that a "queering of the moment" was simply a point where a character did something that wasn't "heteronormative." Meaning, when someone does something that doesn't fit into the socially-accepted gender roles, it's a queering of the moment. I didn't like this at all. It means that most of the moments in my life have been queered, and that's not the kind of information that's going to help me score points with women.

This list of 100 manly skills effectively epitomises what is generally accepted to be the "manly" man, and the magazine's position is that EVERY man should know how to do these things. The implication, of course, is that if you can't do these things, you're not a real man. I never understood this posturing macho shit. If you genuinely like to hunt, fish, watch sports, or whatever, that's great! But if you need a goddamn list to tell you if you're being manly enough, well then you've got some insecurity issues.

-----------------------
The Man Test: Not graded on a curve.

I'm Having Fun Looking Out for #1

Who rocks the single life? This guy right here!

I have been sans girlfriend for the last nine months, and if it weren't for my critical lack of a sex life (aside from loving left hand), I'd be content to live the single life for quite some time. I came to this realization over the last few weeks as my brother's wedding has been pushed back and Joe's wedding is about to rev up. The point was further driven home this past weekend.

Over the weekend, my Kittanning crew and I went to Deep Creek, Maryland for Joe's bachelor party where we partied like suburban geriatrics! The highlights of the trip involved soaking in a hot tub, making catty comments while everyone else went fishing, playing a cutthroat Risk game, and dozing off during the Penn State football game. Now some of you may be saying to yourselves (or perhaps cackling to loved ones), "Well no wonder the douchebag's single!" But I had a blast, and I didn't have to impress anyone with my manliness (my friends have long since accepted my lack of interest in anything cool). I also got to drink, act like a complete idiot, and leer at bar wenches without a girlfriend, fiancee, or wife giving me grief.

This is not to imply that I wouldn't like to have a girlfriend. Back in August, I actually sucked up my pride and joined eHarmony for a month. I figured that if I was going to be stuck in Kittanning for awhile (little did I realize that "awhile" would last longer than I'd anticipated), I might as well hook up for a little horizontal refreshment. I had been sitting on the couch moping in my own misery when one of those saccharine commericials for eHarmony came on, and they said that I could take their test and see my matches for free. With nothing better to do (applying to jobs does not count since that experience equates to shoving a hot fork in your eye), I went online and took the test. When they said "32 dimensions of compatibility," I assumed that there would be 32 questions; how wrong I was. There were 32 pages... each with about 15 questions on it. The damned application took over an hour, and some of the questions were just perplexing. How do answer "How self-aware are you?" Isn't "self-awareness" a precondition for being sentient?? If you answer "not at all," does that mean you possess the mental capacity of a grapefruit? But if you answered that question at all, then aren't you aware of yourself? It's like one of those logical paradoxes that Captain Kirk would present to an evil robot in order to short circuit its brain.

In any case, I got my matches (sans pictures), looked them over, thought it was kinda interesting, and then forgot about it. I wasn't about to shell out money for this damned thing. Three days pass. I get an email from eHarmony informing me, "Kristen from Pittsburgh would like to start communication." Well, who the hell is Kristen? What does she look like? How do I talk to her? Is she the one for me? Turns out that such questions can only be answered after paying their exorbitant fee! I was legitimately impressed by such a shrewd business ploy, and my curiosity got the best of me, so I signed up for a month-long membership.

Kristen turned out to be a bust (though she did have an impressive bust as I recall), but I hit it off with two other women on there. Oddly enough, just as my eHarmony membership was about to run out and we had been communicating successfully via actual email for some time, they both suddenly stopped returning my emails. In my mind, they both somehow met each other and became lesbians, and they make passionate love to each other every night. (I don't care how far-fetched that scenerio is! Don't ruin my fantasies god dammit!) I was annoyed and disappointed by their sudden disappearance but somewhat relieved. With no job and no idea of where I'd be living in the next few months, I wasn't sure how to approach the local dating scene.

Since my eHarmony subscription ended, I've been happy to simply wait until I find permanent employment to start my love search. I've actually been enjoying the lack of pressure. I'm in no hurry to get engaged or married, and the single life has its advantages. If I don't feel like going out, I don't have to. If I want to take off for a weekend to visit with friends, I don't have to worry about anyone else. I don't have to plan dates or romantic evenings. And most importantly, with the holidays approaching, I don't have to worry about buying a present. Sure I have to buy presents for my family, but they have to be happy with what I give them no matter what. Unconditional love's a bitch isn't it?

Some might suggest the famed one-night stand as a temporary option; however, I've done the one-night stand a few times, and it's horrible. The drunken four-legged frolick is great, but the weeks of guilt after telling the hopeful young lady that I'm just not ready for a relationship (or being douchebaggy enough to say "Let's just be friends") are just not worth it. Give me the internet and a box of Kleenex any day.

I certainly won't reject a good opportunity for a relationship if it happens, but I'm not going to worry about my single status right now. I'm going to enjoy my "me" time!

--------------------------------------------
This post brought to you by eHarmony: a safe company for your investments. We prey on the loneliness and desperation of others - natural resources that are always abundant.

Space... The First Frontier

Giant Space Amoeba Not Included

All discussions of game shows, politics, job searches, and anything else stops now. Something monumental has occurred! Something that trumps any other blog topics that could be created.

New images from the upcoming Star Trek movie have been released.

"Holy shit! Spock's circumsized??"
Pictured Left to Right: Anton Yelchin (Chekov), Chris Pine (Kirk), Simon Pegg (Scotty), Karl Urban (Bones), John Cho (Sulu), Zoe Saldana (Uhura),

Directed by J. J. Abrams (Mission Impossible III, and Lost), the new movie, called simply Star Trek, is now in post-production and is scheduled for release in Summer 2009. It was originally scheduled to be released this Christmas, but due to the Writer's Guild Strike a few months ago, it was held back. They've also been REALLY good about keeping plot details and photos a secret. This is quite an impressive feat given how rabid, zealous, and downright persistent obsessed Trekkies can be.

"Take THAT Kelvin!! Long live the Fahrenheit System! 0514 isn't even a real temperature!"

I must admit, I'm a bit skeptical of the new movie. Depending on your level of geek awareness, you may or may not know that ALL of the Star Trek movies and series exist in a single continuity... meaning that everything takes place in the same universe. According to the press releases and interviews that I've seen, this new movie is sort of a reboot, but it still respects the continuity. I have no idea what that means. Leonard Nimoy has a cameo as older Spock somehow, which implies the existence of the oft-seen Star Trek time vortex (or at least a flashback).

DOES MR. SPOCK HAVE TO CHOKE A BITCH?

This film promises the return of Kirk, Spock, Bones, etc. all of them portrayed by new actors. I'm curious to see how that works out. Long-running film franchises have replaced beloved actors before without a problem. Even recently, a lot of fans didn't think anyone could rival Jack Nicholson's take on the Joker, but Heath Ledger brought the noise. But the Joker, James Bond, and any other number of comic book or literary characters that have been played by multiple actors existed in another medium first; therefore, each actor is interpreting that original concept in his or her own way. But Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock (always Mr. Spock I notice. I wonder how long I could refer to my friends as "Mister" before they slapped me) are characters defined by William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy. The old campy episodes are awesome precisely because Shatner hams it up and battles ridiculous creatures.

Unfortunately, this scene is not in the new movie... but it SHOULD be!

I will, of course, be sitting in the theater on opening day with a big geeky grin on my face. Nothing's going to keep me away. I'm just too damn curious and hopeful that this movie might actually be good. Star Trek has been a huge disappointment in the last ten years or so. Star Trek: Voyager was mostly dull and lifeless, and Star Trek: Enterprise had characters with the personalities of dust mites. The last two movies were also rather lackluster. I don't know if this movie will be any better, but the visual style has my attention, and the villian seems rather imposing.

A bald Romulan (Eric Bana) with facial tatoos and a TRIDENT SPEAR! Fucking right!

And for whatever reason, Kirk gets stranded on an ice planet:

And I thought they smelled bad... on the outside!

I'm know full well that the Star Trek universe is ridiculous and sometimes just outright stupid. In the original series, we were introduced to a Nazi planet, a gangster planet, a hippie planet, a Native American planet, and a cowboy world. And let's not forget the space amoeba, the mirror universe, the transporter-created evil doppelganger, the salt vampire, and Harry Mudd. I honestly don't know how people can take Star Trek seriously. It's a damn good show, and I've spent a disturbing number of hours in my life watching it, but it's all good fun. I don't care how ridiculous this new movie is. They're making a movie about a universe with green slave women and machines that can make pie out of thin air. You had me at "Live long and prosper!"

I knew it!! Go-go boots and mini-skirts are TOTALLY making a comeback in the 23rd Century military!

-------------------------------------
90% of readers clicked away when they realized what this post was about. The last 10% is simply JP himself clicking on the pictures 100 times each.

Reinventing The Wheel

Oh! NAGGERS! Right!

My younger brother hates Wheel of Fortune. This is something of a personal slight toward me because I grew up watching it and other ridiculously simplistic game shows. Wheel of Fortune, Press Your Luck, The Price is Right, Card Sharks, and even the games on Nickelodeon like Get the Picture or Double Dare were always on my "Must See" list. Other kids were watching G.I. Joe kick Cobra Commander's ass; I was watching Wink Martindale mock yet another losing contestant on Tic Tac Dough.

Nevertheless, I can see my brother's point. Wheel of Fortune is a pretty stupid game show when you get right down to it. I won't say that this is the dumbest game show on television. Deal or No Deal certainly takes that prestigious title, and the newly created Hole in the Wall (also on NBC) turned my mind into liquid shit during the one episode that I watched. However, Wheel of Fortune is essentially the bastard game offspring of roulette and hangman, and any simpleton can play it. In fact, simpletons are quite common:

I always find it remarkable that in any television market, this show is always paired with Jeopardy, the game show designed for people with quadruple doctorates in English Literature, History, Chemistry, and Sports Trivia. I'm honestly shocked that Wheel of Fortune has a screening process. I think all you need are basic public speaking skills and a lame home life that makes for a folksy story.

You know the best part about Wheel of Fortune? Nobody loses! Even if you take third place, you get to keep whatever money you made. If you hit bankrupt every time or just bought way too many vowels, you get to take home a minimum of $1000!! I'd be astonished if people don't apply to be on this show in droves!! Hell, compared to that, Family Feud actually makes you EARN your money. At least that show requires a rudimentary understanding of public opinion polls.

I have to wonder about Pat Sajak and Vanna White. Vanna's lazy ass job is well documented, and I can see the allure of simply showing up to point at electronically-activated letter blocks. But she must wonder how long she's going to have a job. She's 51 years old now. I'd say she's got 10 years tops before people start to think it's creepy for someone's grandma to be wearing slinky dresses on daytime TV.

Pat Sajak, however, is a meltdown waiting to happen. He's so relentlessly chipper and personable on the show that I'm eagerly awaiting the day when he suddenly goes apeshit, calls every contestant a fucking imbicile, and then declares, "WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE??" before stripping to a thong and making imaginary snow angels on the big wheel. I'm telling you, the headline, "PAT SAJAK HAS NERVOUS BREAKDOWN" would be an instant classic! He'd be convicted of indecent exposure, breach of contract, and maybe attempted arson when he eventually tries to burn down the home of Merv Griffin. Twenty years from now, people won't say, "He went postal." They'll say, "He went Sajak!"

I choose to believe that Pat Sajak is actually a total asshole and degenerate in his personal life. Wouldn't that just totally screw with your world view? What if Pat Sajak beats his wife? What if he throws coffee into the face of Starbucks employees and demands, "Get me a fresh cup! I'm Pat Fucking Sajak!"? What if, ten years from now, he's in the paper as "Pat Sajak: Convicted Sex Offender." The guy just seems too damned jovial. I mean, at least there are inklings that Alex Trebek cracked back in the '80s:

And did I mention that Pat Sajak has a giant square head? It's like he's got a giant can of pudding on his shoulders. Fucking Pat Sajak.

------------------------------
9 out of 10 readers are inwardly scolding JP for mocking a true entertainer like Pat Sajak. The last reader is still devastated over what Pat Sajak did to his dog.

Wanted: Dead or Alive

WANTED:
THE MAD BLOGGER

Height: Too High
Weight: None of your damn business
Build: Sexy
Eye Color: Elegant shade of brown

Known Aliases: "The Undesirable Element," "JP," "Sugar Cheeks," "Big Butterscotch," and "Giant Whitey."
Known Accomplices: "Villainous Virgil," "Demented Dave," "Cleo the Corrupt Cat," and "Batmite the Pedophile."

The Mad Blogger is wanted for his wanton disregard for the integrity of blogging, the mental and emotional rape of his readership, and he may have killed a man. The Mad Blogger, while usually limiting his verbose textual terrorism to his own den of sin "The Undesirable Element," has been known to frequent Star Trek message board to express his displeasure over the dearth of Picard/Worf slash-fiction. He has also been spotted on several baffling websites devoted to women with a fetish for soup strainers, a "Cooking in the Nude" Facebook group, and at least three chatrooms involving proper comma usage.

The Mad Blogger has been known to alter his appearance through the use of disguises. He will occasionally pretend to be level-headed and concerned member of the community; however, such outward benignity merely obscures the fact that he wants to corrupt the world with his wicked and bizarre ideologies. Do not confuse this Mad Blogger with other similarly-named bloggers who are less-deserving of the title, such as those ill-named whiners over at "The Mad Blogger" Website.

The Mad Blogger should be considered armed with a needlessly vast vocabulary and considered extremely dangerous. His nefarious associations with other rampant bloggers with small, cult-like readerships are a matter of public record and should be reported to your local authorities. Do not attempt to apprehend this criminal yourself. His suave and sexy demeanor may lull you into a false sense of security, and female victims have been known to be swayed by his countless charms.

If you see this man or have information concerning his whereabouts, please contact your local FBI office or call "1-800-BAD-BLOG." We are offering a very generous reward for information leading directly to the arrest of the Mad Blogger. Your commitment to justice is thoroughly appreciated.

-----------------------
BEWARE THE MAD BLOGGER!

Employment Reality Check

In the last week, I've been reflecting a lot about my job search thus far. Maybe it's because I have a lot of time on my hands. Maybe it's because I've been reading too many career help books. Or just maybe it's because I graduated five months ago, and I'm no closer to finding a job now than I was then. And to top it off, I'm going to have to start paying back my student loans in about a month.

My knee-jerk reaction is to blame the job market, the English department, surly HR people, or some combination thereof. But after considerable self-reflection (my old boss would be proud), I've decided that I only have myself to blame.

I really haven't been the best job applicant. I may have sent out a considerable number of resumes and cover letters (45 total so far... a number that includes the 28 cover letters with the maddening typo), but I haven't really done the job that I should have. For my own personal self-deprecation and your amusement, I'll list just a few of the ways that I've done a piss-poor job of finding a job.

1. The Name's the Same: Unless a person's name was specifically stated in a job profile, I never went the extra mile to call the Human Resources department of any company to find out the name of the person who would read my resume and cover letter. I'd say 90% of my cover letters begin with "Dear Sir or Madam." While technically valid (I can at least be politically correct), it's an immediate notch below anyone who actually went to the trouble of learning someone's name. I've never once tried to call an HR department to find out the name of the person who would read my resume. I deluded myself into thinking that it wouldn't matter. Well, goddamn it, it matters! Cover Letters for Dummies told me so!

2. Candidate X Loves Company Y: Along the same lines, I haven't done in-depth research of the companies that I've applied to. I'm intelligent enough to find out what every company does (and I've referred to the company's general function in each cover letter), but very few of my cover letters have that extra OOMPH that say, "I know a few things about your company that show that I'm not just copying and pasting your name into a generic cover letter template," which is exactly what I did. I can't even pretend to give a shit.

3. Yawn!!: My cover letters are boring. In addition to being grammatically incorrect, my first batch of cover letters were painfully self-centered and generic. I didn't really involve the company's needs all that much. In revising my template, I went a bit too far in the other direction. My new cover letters are way too long and tedious. I make several references to what my skills can do for a generic "your company," but there's really no zing to it. Hell, *I* don't even like to read my own damn cover letter. At first I thought I was just uncomfortable with reading a self-aggrandizing page about myself, but then I realized, I LOVE writing about myself!! That's why I have this blog. I even read my own entries from time to time... I'm that self-centered. No, my cover letters are a snooze-fest, and if I don't want to read them, my prospective employers certainly won't want to. I need to trim the size down to something more reasonable, eliminate the crap that's already in my resume, and punch it up with a few clever ideas.

4. Time Slips Away: I waste a lot of my free time doing useless activities (like, oh, I don't know... blogging for instance). Over the last eight months, I've sent out 45 resumes. That's averaging a little more than one a week. Considering that I didn't even have a regular (albeit grassy) job until August, that's downright shameful. I have no other excuse other than the fact that job applications are time-consuming, depressing, and seemingly self-defeating when you've sent out 45 of them with no response.

5. What Do I Want To Be When I Grow Up?: I still don't know. I'm throwing my resume and cover letter out to any company that seems to desire my skills, but I haven't really done much thinking about what I want to get out of my future job. In fairness to my own self-esteem, I've never done much with any career other than teaching, so my first job will be something of an exploration of careers when I get it, but it still keeps me from stirring up much enthusiasm for any one job. But a lack of confidence shines through on a resume and cover letter, so I need to find a way to either bullshit some confident-sounding words or hypnotize myself into believing that every job is the perfect one for me. I'm leaning toward the latter since it would give me an excuse to buy a gold pocket-watch.

6. Unpaid Internship? Go Fuck Yourself: More than anything, I wish I'd listened to my professors at Penn State Erie when they were raving about the unpaid summer internships offered through the department. I can still remember my past self smugly declaring to some unfortunate passerby, "Why would I do this lame job over the summer for no money when I can mow grass and get paid for it?" I was young and foolish (though dashingly handsome). I thought I wanted to be a teacher, so their crappy internships at publishing houses, newspapers, and insurance agencies were for those lesser beings who didn't have a plan like me. Of course, when one changes his primary plan during the second year of grad school, those indomitable interns suddenly seem a lot wiser in retrospect. My friend Dave recently reminded me that when I switched my major from engineering to English, I pompously stated, "I don't care if I never get a job. I can't stand being an engineer." The latter statement is still true, but after five months of unemployment, that former sentence stings a bit. It's like when the 21 year old frat boy proudly declares to his buddies that he doesn't care if he becomes an alcoholic but then grows to regret his earlier revelries after two failed marriages and an atrophied liver.

- - - - -

So in light of these personal revelations, I've decided to buckle down and start doing things right. I can't change my mistakes of the past, but I can keep from proliferating the same stupid problems. I've already bookmarked the contact information for a few companies that I'm applying to, so I can hopefully get on the right track with this stuff.

I also got a book from Barnes & Noble today called From B.A. to Payday: Launching Your Career After College, which provides practical and emotional advice for newly-graduated liberal arts majors regarding the world of job hunting (another possible reason for this current musings). I only started reading it, but in the first chapter, he essentially says, "Do you have a degree in the liberal arts and are now living at home with your parents with no job opportunities and no idea what to do?" I almost shit myself when I realized just how accurately his description fit me, but I don't know if I feel better or worse knowing that 75% of people who graduate with a liberal arts degree are in the same boat. The writers go on to explain the problem with me and my ilk: "It's not really arrogance in the truest sense of the word; it is more a combination of naivete and entitlement. Naivete because they know too little about how the business world works, entitlement because they believe they shouldn't have to learn."

Yeah, that seems about right.

So for the time being, I am newly motivated to improve my job hunt. We'll see if Hayden and Wilder know what they're talking about in their book, and we'll see if I can curb my paradoxically co-existing boundless pride and limitless self-pity.

------------------------------
The Pennsylvania Lottery: Bypassing all of this nonsense ever since numbered ping-pong balls could be forced through a clear air hose.

In the Ayers Tonight

Bill Ayers: Terrorist mastermind or gas station attendant?

According to the media, John McCain and Sarah Palin are ready for a month-long smear campaign against Barack Obama. As Palin so colorfully put it, "The heels are on, and the gloves are off." (Golly gee whiz don'tcha know) As one might imagine, McCain is in no particular hurry to talk about the economy, so he's planning to make personal attacks against Obama. This may sound ridiculously biased as I summarize it, but his campaign actually admitted this in public. They were proud of it. They "want to shift attention away from the economy" and "focus on the character" of Obama.

I don't particularly care about the negative campaigning. Politics is full of character assassinations; it pretty much comes with the territory. But their initial volley about Obama palling around with terrorists irritates me... not because it's sensational, but because McCain and Palin are adamently sticking to this story even though EVERY SINGLE news organization has reported that it's total bullshit.

Allow me to back up for a moment. In the last week, McCain and Palin have both been making much ado about Obama having met Bill Ayers in the past. Bill Ayers is a former 1960s anti-war activist who co-founded the radical left terrorist organization "Weather Underground," which was active in the '60s and '70s. Ayers participated in the bombings of New York City Police Headquarters in 1970, the United States Capitol Building in 1971, and the Pentagon in 1972. As you might be aware, all of these buildings are still there, so you can surmise that his bombs weren't particularly powerful or effective.

In fact, from what I can gather, Ayers and his bunch were about as effective at causing mischief as Dick Dastardly and his crew in Wacky Races. Despite bombing some of the most populated public buildings in the country, Ayers never actually killed anyone. Oh, they certainly caused tens of thousands of dollars in damage, but the entire organization never once killed a person. In fact, the only ones who ever died at the hands of "The Weathermen" were two of their own people as they tried to assemble a nail bomb. These people took their name from a Bob Dylan song for crying out loud. I wouldn't exactly be quaking in my boots over these guys.

Nevertheless, the government doesn't take kindly to having their shit blown up, so they pressed charges against Ayers and his wife, who went undergound for a decade to escape jailtime. When they turned themselves over to federal authorities in 1980, charges against them were dropped due to prosecutorial miscondunct.

This is when the guy really goes off the deep end: he decides to become a college professor. That's right! Billy boy pictured at the top is now a professor in the College of Education at the University of Illinois at Chicago where he holds the honor of "Distinguished Professor." (Again, why can't I get a job??) Ayers has worked for years with the Chicago Mayor's office in shaping the city's school reform program, and he served on the board of directors of The Woods Fund of Chicago, an anti-poverty philanthropic foundation.

Here's where Obama comes in. Barack Obama also served on the board of directors of The Woods Fund of Chicago. As you recall, Obama used to be a community organizer in Chicago. You don't just snub the guy who's essentially driving education reform in your city. It's just not what you do if you're trying to organize a community. The Associated Press along with every major newspaper and news network in the country has reported this stuff, along with the fact that the board met no more than a dozen times between 2000 and 2002 (when Obama and Ayers were on the board together).

Of course, some media organizations are less reliable than others. I can always count on my local news to let me down. A few days ago, WPXI News in Pittsburgh (Channel 11) was ending every segment by saying, "New at 6:00, Sarah Palin is accusing Barack Obama of associating with terrorists!" By the time 6:00 rolls around, they finally get to this segment, and they go on to list the various smear tactics that McCain and Palin are employing without fact-checking a single one!! They don't mention what terrorist she was talking about or the fact that every other news outlet has decided that this accusation is bogus.

Now most politicians when confronted with their obvious bullshit have the common sense to say, "Aw shucks, you caught me," before too many people realize what happened. Or at the very least, they just stop saying it. I'm almost impressed by how adamently McCain and Palin are sticking to this. Palin declared the other day, "The Associated Press is wrong" though she failed to inform the rest of the country which secret sources she was using to refute them, and McCain said, "I don't need lessons in telling the truth to the American people." Their response to being called out on their nonsense is a resounding, "NUH UH!!!" One has to almost admire that kind of stunning bullshit.

I think this is why the election is interesting me so much. The political issues are nice, but the rhetoric of the campaigns and the media sensationalism is what really grabs you by the nuts and makes you go, "Hey, what the hell is going on??" Astute readers will note that I promised not to blog about politics anymore, and in my defense.... it's my goddamn blog, and the election coverage has my knickers in a twist. I suppose the bullshit wouldn't surprise me if I thought McCain was genuinely a slimey and dishonorable guy, but from what I've been able to gather from the internet and old media interviews, McCain used to be a very reputable and decent public servant. It makes me wonder if his "win at all costs" campaign strategy gives him pause at night.

Media analysts have determined that people often only read the headlines of newspapers and news websites (I admit to being guilty of this), so when a headline reads, "Barack Obama linked with terrorist?" or "Palin Associates Obama with Terrorism" your average person doesn't read the rest of the story to find out that the answer to the first headline is "NO" and the end to the second headline is "and she's full of shit." Your friendly Joe Six-Pack (that slovenly saucy All-American home slice we hear so much about) simply files "Obama = Terrorist" into his feeble little brain and goes onto beer number seven.

Stupid people make for great comedy, and politics just shines a bright light onto the best sources of entertainment that money can buy. I certainly don't have a boner for the democrats (that's why I'm registered independent), but they're not making such colorful asses out of themselves like the Republicans are.

---------------------------------------
Bill Ayers: Less of a threat to national security than Shaggy and Scooby Doo.

Political Musings

As part of my newly discovered interest in what's going on in the world (or perhaps just complete and all-consuming boredom... which is probably more likely), I watched the Vice Presidential debates tonight. I must admit, it was the first time that I actually watched a debate the whole way through from start to finish. Despite several audible rants at pixelated Palin regarding her use of the term "nucular" instead of "nuclear," I kind of enjoyed myself.

For whatever reason, I had completely ignored Senator Joe Biden thus far in the campaign. I'd venture to say that most Americans couldn't even identify the man if shown a picture of him (and that's certainly not true of Obama, McCain, or Palin). Oh sure, I knew the basics of the guy - old white senator from Delaware who likes to talk a lot and sometimes blabs before he thinks - but I never really took notice. Tonight I was rather impressed. He presented himself well, he spoke clearly, and he was respectful of Palin (and McCain when he spoke of him) even when he criticized them.

You can't watch a debate expecting to get the facts. That's a total fantasy. Each candidate was giving a performance, and the best you can do is judge how well they give the appearance of what you're looking for in a leader. I thought Joe Biden did that well. I was not as impressed with Sarah Palin.

I was not *unimpressed* with Sarah Palin... and I think a lot of pundits were underestimating her. She managed to move up the chain of power very rapidly for someone who was mayor of a town the size of Kittanning and governor of a state that has an alarming polar bear to human ratio, and anyone who can do that must be able to appeal to people somehow. But I have to say, I didn't like her approach. Her answers were brimming with cliches about small town values and what's happening in "the Main Street of Wasilla." For fuck's sake, she actually gave a "shout out" to her brother's 3rd grade class who was watching at home! The woman could give Wilford Brimley a run for his money in the "most folksy TV personality" department.

She loves to crush her small town values into my face. She actually said in an interview this week that Americans want to see the average Joe Six-Pack run for a position like the Vice Presidency. While there's nothing wrong with Joe Six-Pack (I actually know a guy who would literally fit this name), you don't give him control of the goddamn country. And we should really rail against this idea that the President or Vice President should be just like us. When we're talking about being the President of the United States of America (and as everyone has already pointed out at length, that's a strong possibility for Palin), that's a title that means something. You should represent the best that America has to offer. You should be able to lead the regular Joes... not be one of them.

I've met Joe Six Packs. Kittanning is filled with them. The next time I'm staring into my half-empty bottle of despair and Miller Lite at the bar, I'll lift my head out of the stygian failure of my own personal stupor to look around the establishment to see if I notice any Presidential material. Oh! I see a guy scratching his ass with a fork. I see another guy rubbing against a chain-smoking prostitute. And there's a group of guys staring at the news bellowing, "Why can't the niggers get their shit together!?" Oh yes... I love those small town values. Let's get these motherfuckers in the Oval Office!

And that's kind of my problem with McCain as well. I used to like McCain. I really did. He has appeared on television a lot over the last eight years, and while I didn't always agree with his views, his positions seemed well thought out and well argued. The McCain that I've seen running this year doesn't seem like the same guy. He seems like he's putting on a facade that doesn't quite work. He's trying to seem more conservative than he really is, and he's also throwing around this "small town values" nonsense. Just stop it.

But for quite some time, I didn't really care who got elected. Neither McCain nor Obama seemed like bad guys. But then McCain chose Sarah Palin as his Vice Presidential pick. Now as I said above, I don't think Sarah Palin is necessarily a bad politician or a bad public servant, but I do NOT think she was a good choice. There were SO many other Republican women that McCain could have chosen if he really wanted a woman on the ticket. I think it shows bad judgment on McCain's part that he picked her for the Vice Presidential nomination. There's no guarantee that Palin would be bad at the job, but her credentials just don't impress me.

Take it from a guy who's actively trying to search for a job. I may be great at the position, but if my resume is not impressive and I come off like a dimwitted idiot in my interview, I shouldn't get the damn job!

And that is why (and I know that I'm going to take shit for this from my parents, my boss, and just about anyone in Kittanning) I plan to vote for Obama in November. I think he and Biden make a lot of sense. They're giving me real information, and they're not patronizing me.

I don't think Obama and Biden shit rainbows every morning or anything. I am well aware of Obama's weaknesses (he does seem to promise a lot more than any one person could ever deliver, but that goes with the territory of running for President I suppose), but he just strikes me as an educated and reasonable guy who tells you what he thinks, and he's really damned personable. When half of your job is to present America in a positive light, being really personable is a damned good trait. And on a completely shallow and somewhat racist level, I think having a brown guy as the face of America to the world is a good idea right now. Think about it. There's a lot of resentment toward our country in the Middle East (incidently filled with brown people), and the education system in a lot of these third-world countries is not very good... dumb people are probably as plentiful there as they are here (if not moreso). If right now they're thinking that America is filled with old white guys who hate their way of life, it might actually be a good thing for a brown guy with an Islamic-sounding name to be running the country. Maybe they'll be like, "Well shit, America's at least got a brown dude running it. Let's bomb the shit out of Denmark! Death to the Danish!"

(Incidentally, that's my battle cry at breakfast in the morning.)

Everyone can give me grief all they want, but I've investigated this shit to the best of my ability, explored both sides as well as I can, and I really think Obama and Biden are the better choice. You know, assuming I don't write in "Snagglepuss and Emilio Estevez" for the win.

Of course, I still have to find out if I'm registered to vote in my hometown. I registered four years ago, and that was in Erie. I don't remember what I put down as my "home" location at the time.... hopefully "Gotham City."

----------------------------
JP promises that more frivolous posts will be forthcoming... love sonnets to beef jerky, random ruminations about various kinds of Kleenex, diatribes against Pat Sayjak, etc. All of this political talk might force me to take a stand on something!