Saturday, October 11, 2008

Wanted: Dead or Alive

WANTED:
THE MAD BLOGGER

Height: Too High
Weight: None of your damn business
Build: Sexy
Eye Color: Elegant shade of brown

Known Aliases: "The Undesirable Element," "JP," "Sugar Cheeks," "Big Butterscotch," and "Giant Whitey."
Known Accomplices: "Villainous Virgil," "Demented Dave," "Cleo the Corrupt Cat," and "Batmite the Pedophile."

The Mad Blogger is wanted for his wanton disregard for the integrity of blogging, the mental and emotional rape of his readership, and he may have killed a man. The Mad Blogger, while usually limiting his verbose textual terrorism to his own den of sin "The Undesirable Element," has been known to frequent Star Trek message board to express his displeasure over the dearth of Picard/Worf slash-fiction. He has also been spotted on several baffling websites devoted to women with a fetish for soup strainers, a "Cooking in the Nude" Facebook group, and at least three chatrooms involving proper comma usage.

The Mad Blogger has been known to alter his appearance through the use of disguises. He will occasionally pretend to be level-headed and concerned member of the community; however, such outward benignity merely obscures the fact that he wants to corrupt the world with his wicked and bizarre ideologies. Do not confuse this Mad Blogger with other similarly-named bloggers who are less-deserving of the title, such as those ill-named whiners over at "The Mad Blogger" Website.

The Mad Blogger should be considered armed with a needlessly vast vocabulary and considered extremely dangerous. His nefarious associations with other rampant bloggers with small, cult-like readerships are a matter of public record and should be reported to your local authorities. Do not attempt to apprehend this criminal yourself. His suave and sexy demeanor may lull you into a false sense of security, and female victims have been known to be swayed by his countless charms.

If you see this man or have information concerning his whereabouts, please contact your local FBI office or call "1-800-BAD-BLOG." We are offering a very generous reward for information leading directly to the arrest of the Mad Blogger. Your commitment to justice is thoroughly appreciated.

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BEWARE THE MAD BLOGGER!

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

The picture at the top needs to be changed to you holding "The Complete Works of Shakespeare" in a threatening manner.

contemplator said...

Agreed. That's far more threatening.

Oooh--or maybe you could find your copy of Stelarc?

contemplator said...

Speaking of Stelarc, what has happened to Batmite?

Anonymous said...

"Do not attempt to apprehend this criminal yourself."

Why the hell not?!?! A 400 pound security man sure had no problems in the apprehension of "so called mad blogger" for frog vandalism in Erie, PA.

JP said...

Brent and Contemplator: Actually, the picture was the inspiration for the blog post. That picture was taken last January in my Morgantown apartment. I was cutting up cabbage for haluski at the time.

Contemplator: Batmite lit himself on fire to protest your ban of Taco Bell. :)

Joe: The guard played upon my guilt and naivete. I've learned from him. I'll only be tricked by promises of free boobs and perhaps a Baby Ruth candy bar.

Batmite: You survived your trial by fire!!!???