Time to get to the good stuff. As I mentioned in my previous blog entry, Mormons have some pretty funky beliefs, but they don't really like to share all of the bizarre stuff until after you've been in the church awhile. That's why they don't like to offer up this little gem right up front:God is an alien.
Well not just God, but Jesus is an alien too.
In fact, there are many "Gods," each of them is the master of his or her given solar system. And when a good Mormon dies, he or she gets to become a God of another world.
This was my favorite thing to learn about Mormonism. It pretty much sealed the deal on my decision to leave the church. Turns out, the God that we all know and love is on a planet that orbits a star called "Kolob."
The following is the Wikipedia entry on Kolob.
The first known reference to Kolob is found in the Book of Abraham (found in the Pearl of Great Price), which the LDS [note from Justin: That's Mormononics for "Ladder-Day Saints] Prophet Joseph Smith, Jr. claims to have translated from a set of Egyptian scrolls that accompanied a traveling mummy exhibition, which passed through Smith's town of Kirtland, Ohio in 1835. According to the Prophet, the scrolls described a vision of Abraham, in which Abraham:
"saw the stars, that they were very great, and that one of them was nearest unto the throne of God;... and the name of the great one is Kolob, because it is near unto me, for I am the Lord thy God: I have set this one to govern all those which belong to the same order as that upon which thou standest." (Book of Abraham 3: 2-3)
Yeah, our boy Joe is at it again. Now he not only has the magical ability to read ancient Hebrew, but also Egyptian hieroglyphs! I'm almost disappointed that the mummy wasn't involved in some way. Maybe he could have said that the mummy was really the remains of Darth Judas, the galactic traitor to Spaceman Jesus.
I love this stuff. It makes me wonder why Scientology gets such a public mocking, but the Mormon church gets a free pass. I mean, come on! The original creator of Battlestar Galactica, Glen Larson, actually used this as the basis for the original series. He turned "Kolob" into "Kobol" and changed most of the settings of the Book of Mormon to space, and that was the show! The new series doesn't really adhere to the Mormon theology, but the basic premise is still there. It takes some suspension of disbelief to buy this concept on television. It doesn't make any sense in real life either.
You really think you're going to become your own God? I find that a little suspect. Does that mean that "our" God was actually some poor shmuck on another alien world who got his chance in the big chair? Maybe we got the C-student of Gods. Sure would explain a lot.
Sounds like a pretty sweet deal doesn't it - becoming a God? Personally I find it a little too grandiose. Being the supreme ruler of an entire solar system sounds like a pretty big job. I can't even take charge of a classroom of 44 freshmen without fucking up something. My solar system would be the laughingstock of the galaxy.
Underling: "Excuse me, Lord Justin, the fjords have all collapsed and the people have all started having sex with tubers. The religious leaders are getting irritated."
Lord Justin: "Fuck it! Law & Order: Galaxy Defenders is on in 20 minutes. Just send a plague of locusts and tell them that God helps those who help themselves or some bullshit like that."
Just give me control of a small island or something. I could handle that.
Stay tuned for Part 3 where we'll discuss the apparent exodus of the "thirteenth tribe of Israel" and how the Native Americans became eeeeeeeevil!!
3 comments:
This is a lot of fun.
Have you learned stuff you didn't know prior to the expose/rant? I sure did.
Your galaxy sounds like it would be a lot of fun.
Contemplator: A few things. This is just coming from my own memory and a few wikipedia searches. I hope I'm getting it right.
Kari: My galaxy would collapse on itself before I could get to day six.
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