Adventures on the Rail Trail

I haven't blogged in awhile, and I have no good excuse other than sheer laziness and apathy, but I've finally got a good topic.

Lately I've been going biking on Morgantown's Rail Trail. It's a series of paved (though sometimes just compressed sand) paths that stretch along the Monongahela River and Deckers Creek. It's good exercise and some time in the sun for my pasty, flabby body. Still, I have had some strange encounters on that trail.

Story #1: This happened on my second day of biking. Since I wasn't used to the whole etiquette of the trail, I was just biking along in my unimpressive fashion when I passed two older guys who were walking along the trail. One of them stopped me and said, "Hey, when you pass someone you're supposed to say 'passing on the left' so they know you're coming." I thanked the helpful informant and continued on. Shortly thereafter, I encountered a disheveled old man with a big gray beard. Not wanting to disobey the rules of the trail, I said, "Passing on the left." Unfortunately, this schizophrenic hobo starts yelling at me: "Fuck you, you fucking son of a bitch! Don't tell me what to do; I'll kick your ass and kill you, you fucking asshole! Fuck you fucker!" This guy continues to holler as I ride off. Maybe a minute later, I get to a park and rest for a few. As I'm sitting on the bench, the schizo hobo comes along. He's not saying anything until he gets to me, and as he walks by he starts in again: "I'm gonna kill you, you fucking fucker bastard asshole cunt!"

As you can imagine, I don't say anything when I pass anyone anymore. I'll take my chances.

Story #2: This one happened one balmy evening about a week ago. Once again, I'm biking on the rail trail when I encounter a gaggle of geese. There's about 20 of them spread out on the trail. Now, if this had happened a few months ago, I wouldn't have given it another thought, but a friend of mine who's a lifeguard had a very unpleasant encounter with some geese on the beach. They're apparently quite viscious and territorial. I got to experience that first hand. I tried to skirt around the edge of the flock, but the geese got together and started strutting at me like the Legion of Doom or something. One of them hissed at me (until recently, I didn't know geese hissed). I finally just took off at full speed right through the fine-feathered fiends. Two old women coming the other way witnessed all of this and got a good laugh at my expense. But I knew their levity wouldn't last long as it would soon be their turn to confront them.

Story #3: This one happened yesterday. I went biking on the Deckers Creek trail, and on my way back, I see two mentally-challenged kids walking the opposite way. There was no mistaking the awkward walk and the arm against the chest thing. About 100 feet behind them was another kid laying face-down on the pavement.... motionless. I'm thinking, "Oh crap, some kid is dead on the Rail Trail!.... and I don't have a good record with the police." But being the good Samaritan that I am (I was due for my yearly good deed), I stopped by the kid and said, "Are you okay?" The kid suddenly leaps up and starts crawling around yelling, "OKAY OKAY OKAY OKAY OKAY!!!" He's bobbing around yelling this, which catches the attention of some scraggly old man fishing by the creek who then yells at me, "HEY! LEAVE THOSE KIDS ALONE!!" I didn't know what the fuck was going on, so I did the only manly thing I could do.... I jumped on my bike and rode away.

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I should be afraid to go back, but I like bike-riding. The rail trail is nice even though the people on it are often batshit insane. I really can't wait to see what new adventures this trail will bring.

The West Virginia Rail Trail: Providing peaceful walking paths for lunatics, geese, and retards since 1991.