Missing class carries harsh penalties.I don't like having an attendance policy for my class. As far as I'm concerned, the fewer students that show up, the better life is for me. But there are many things about attendance policies that are worthy of rumination.
The English department's current attendance policy is that every student is permitted 3 absences; after that, your grade will start to drop. After six absences, you automatically fail the course. Well let's think about that. Let's say you get rid of this attendance policy. If you are a student who frequently misses class, then there would be three possible outcomes as far as I can tell:
1. You fail the class anyway because you have no idea what's going on.
2. You pass the class with a low C out of sheer luck.
3. You ace the class with flying colors because you can study on your own.
In the first case, the attendance policy is null and void - you fail anyway. In the second case, you've passed the class, but you probably didn't learn jack shit in the class. This will come to bite you in the ass later in life - be it in your job or in future classes - hence punishment is forthcoming. If it never comes to bite you in the ass, then you didn't need the class anyway, so who gives a shit? In the third case, you've aced the class! This is good news. You either studied your ass off in your free time or the class wasn't worth shit. Either way, I don't see how the student is at fault in that instance.
It's one thing if you have a really lousy teacher and don't learn anything in a college course. But if you don't learn shit in a class as a result of your own inability to just show up, then why should anyone care? I just don't see the point. If a student can get a passing grade without showing up, then good for him or her!
Then, of course, there are the lame-ass excuses. It almost makes the attendance policy bearable. Check this one out:
hey [my name] its [dumbass student's name] i made a mistake with my schedual today and met with the basketball team about my work staudy job at 1 because i thought class started at 215, instead of it actually ending then. It was really bone head but it wont happen again. I'll see ya on thursday.
Capitalization and spelling are exactly as they appeared in the email.
Here's an excerpt from another gem that combines several excuses in one:
Mr. [my barely pronounceable last name]
My name is [bullshitter extraordinaire]... I had surgery on monday the 20th and found my aunt passed away so I am now in Utah but I will be back by the 27th....
I know that sometimes life gets rough, but surgery + death + travel all in the same week has my bullshit detector on high alert. Of course, I really don't give a shit. She could have said that she smoked four bongs of buckwheat and passed out in a Chuck E Cheese. They still count as absences.
I'm not even allowed to ask for documentation anymore - it's considered an invasion of privacy. So any excuse is exactly the same. Yesterday, I decided to tell them some secrets of bullshitting professors about missing classes.
Rule 1: Never ask "Did I miss anything important in class?" because it implies that you think some of their classes are a complete waste of time.
Rule 2: Never say "My grandma died" as an excuse. That excuse has become a running joke among teachers. If your grandma really did die.... well..... make up something better. (This joke did not go over well in class - there was a long awkward pause)
Rule 3: If you're making up an excuse, make it sound so awful that no one would think you'd make up something that bad. For example, "I couldn't be in class on Tuesday because I inadvertently got a large, cumbersome object lodged up my backside during an intimate moment with my significant other."
They liked that one. And dammit! If someone sent me that as an excuse, I'd probably let them slide about anything.
That was a long-ass post!
-------------------
Absentee Policies - creating a group of habitual liars since Kindergarten.
The English department's current attendance policy is that every student is permitted 3 absences; after that, your grade will start to drop. After six absences, you automatically fail the course. Well let's think about that. Let's say you get rid of this attendance policy. If you are a student who frequently misses class, then there would be three possible outcomes as far as I can tell:
1. You fail the class anyway because you have no idea what's going on.
2. You pass the class with a low C out of sheer luck.
3. You ace the class with flying colors because you can study on your own.
In the first case, the attendance policy is null and void - you fail anyway. In the second case, you've passed the class, but you probably didn't learn jack shit in the class. This will come to bite you in the ass later in life - be it in your job or in future classes - hence punishment is forthcoming. If it never comes to bite you in the ass, then you didn't need the class anyway, so who gives a shit? In the third case, you've aced the class! This is good news. You either studied your ass off in your free time or the class wasn't worth shit. Either way, I don't see how the student is at fault in that instance.
It's one thing if you have a really lousy teacher and don't learn anything in a college course. But if you don't learn shit in a class as a result of your own inability to just show up, then why should anyone care? I just don't see the point. If a student can get a passing grade without showing up, then good for him or her!
Then, of course, there are the lame-ass excuses. It almost makes the attendance policy bearable. Check this one out:
hey [my name] its [dumbass student's name] i made a mistake with my schedual today and met with the basketball team about my work staudy job at 1 because i thought class started at 215, instead of it actually ending then. It was really bone head but it wont happen again. I'll see ya on thursday.
Capitalization and spelling are exactly as they appeared in the email.
Here's an excerpt from another gem that combines several excuses in one:
Mr. [my barely pronounceable last name]
My name is [bullshitter extraordinaire]... I had surgery on monday the 20th and found my aunt passed away so I am now in Utah but I will be back by the 27th....
I know that sometimes life gets rough, but surgery + death + travel all in the same week has my bullshit detector on high alert. Of course, I really don't give a shit. She could have said that she smoked four bongs of buckwheat and passed out in a Chuck E Cheese. They still count as absences.
I'm not even allowed to ask for documentation anymore - it's considered an invasion of privacy. So any excuse is exactly the same. Yesterday, I decided to tell them some secrets of bullshitting professors about missing classes.
Rule 1: Never ask "Did I miss anything important in class?" because it implies that you think some of their classes are a complete waste of time.
Rule 2: Never say "My grandma died" as an excuse. That excuse has become a running joke among teachers. If your grandma really did die.... well..... make up something better. (This joke did not go over well in class - there was a long awkward pause)
Rule 3: If you're making up an excuse, make it sound so awful that no one would think you'd make up something that bad. For example, "I couldn't be in class on Tuesday because I inadvertently got a large, cumbersome object lodged up my backside during an intimate moment with my significant other."
They liked that one. And dammit! If someone sent me that as an excuse, I'd probably let them slide about anything.
That was a long-ass post!
-------------------
Absentee Policies - creating a group of habitual liars since Kindergarten.
5 comments:
I hope someone eventually gives you #3 as an excuse.
Got any more good ones??
Also, what's the reason for the grumpy old man with the knife?
It's a truly spectacular image of Ernest Borgnine from an old show called "Airwolf"
I had a girl tell me last semester that she knocked herself out with a sled (this was in January) and that she had to have a spinal tap because her headaches weren't going away.
Was it wrong to ask for a copy of the test results?
My favorite often heard excuse is this one: "I emailed you. Didn't you get it??"
Which you can usually counter with, "It should be in your sent folder, right? Just resend it." The bastards know it's date/time stamped and their ass is caught.
OH damn.....that's a good one!!!!
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