Card-Carrying Member of a Grocery Store Near You

There's something very comforting about going to the grocery store that I can't really explain. (English majors will be quick to call this a DeLillo-esque moment... I too am disoriented when they rearrange the aisles.) Whenever I grab a squeaking, rusted cart that was hauled in by the pimpled high school student who's trying to hide his hideous skin condition with a patchy beard and stroll through that automatic door, I know for a fact that tasty treats await me.

The store goes out of its way to make you feel like its friend. Every store now has its own membership card to make you feel like part of the family... that family that unfortunately includes the mustachioed obese person of questionable gender who runs the lotto machine over by the coin changer. Every store has one.

Shop n' Save apparently has two different cards. I tried to use my Morgantown discount card at the Kittanning Shop n' Save, and they wouldn't take it. Bastards! The membership card doesn't make a whole lot of sense. It's free to get one, but you need it to get all of the discounts in the store. As far as I can tell, it's how they track your purchases. Personally, I find it to be a bit comforting that Big Brother wants to know when I buy a tube of Preparation-H and a box of Cookie Crisp. It feels like the grocery watchers are looking out for me.

More fun would be had if people actually were looking out for me. I buy a box of Twinkies and suddenly several large men appear to say, "Excuse me, JP. Are you sure you really want to buy that? You've purchased several boxes of Cheez-It, two tubs of ice cream, and several containers of cheez whiz in the last week. We demand that you buy those carrot sticks over there. They're only $2.99 with your Rewards card."

The grocery store is a weird place to be. You see people all over the place, but it creates a very uncomfortable situation if you actually talk to them. Ever need something that someone else is looking over? You and this complete stranger are now staring intently at the pickles trying to decide which flavor is the best. Sudden despair overtakes you as you realize that this is the most critical decision that you've had to make all day.

Oftentimes I'll buy things at the store that I don't need so that I don't look like some sort of freak with one unusual item. Who wants to go the register carrying nothing but a stick of deodorant? Everyone will be thinking, "He must need that stick of deodorant RIGHT NOW!"

Everyone's had that situation where you've put something into your cart, but then several aisles later, you realize that you can't afford (or digest in good conscience) the item that you just bought. Unfortunately, you're also incredibly lazy, so instead of returning the item to where it belongs, you shove it somewhere nearby. But I never just think, "Ah, fuck it. I'll drop it on the floor if I want." I try to be all James Bond about it. I wait until I think no one's looking and then shove it in with something that looks similar. "Ha ha! No one will ever notice that I put this can of cheese sauce in with the orange juice!

Along the same lines, have you ever broken something in the supermarket? I've done it in plain view of other people, and I just walk away like nothing happened. "Never mind that giant pool of pasta sauce on the floor or the splatters of red and bits of broken glass on my pants. I was only a witness, sir! The real Prego hater is getting away as we speak!" I can be a saucy boy in such situations. :)

Sometimes I have evil thoughts in the store. What if I spit in the cabbage? Who would know? It would serve them right for leaving it out in the open like that. Hey, there's a guy who's left a full cart of groceries unattended! I like what he has. Maybe I'll take his cart and leave him with mine. That would save me a lot of time. Besides, it's not like they're his products yet. At this point, they're still on loan from the store.

I repeatedly get the idea of purposely pissing off parents who have children in the store. I'd love to go into the cereal or candy aisle and listen for some parent to tell his or her children that they can't have some sugary treat and then promptly go up and grab five of whatever it is. Then I'd loudly declare, "Oh boy!! Fruit Roll-Ups!! These are so delicious... and good for you!"

But I usually make it to the cashier without causing much trouble. The last time I was there, I wondered about the pin-number machine. You know, you swipe your credit/debit card and type in your pin number. The machine always asks, "Amount OK?" What if I say no? "I'm sorry PIN machine, but that amount is much more than I would care to pay." The cashier never even gives me the option. "Hit the green button!" she'll demand. Boy does she get pissed if you "accidentally" hit the red button. That's always a fun time. "Sorry, miss, it's color blindness. You should see me at traffic lights!"

Finally, you're out in the parking lot. But has the fun ended... absolutely not. Now you get to play bumper carts with the people leave their shopping carts wherever they jolly well please. Now I'm lazy, but I always take my cart to the cart return. Granted, I'm as irritated as the next guy that the cart return is always five feet from the front entrance instead of in the middle of the parking lot, but I also don't need some wayward cart slamming into my car. More importantly, I don't need MY cart slamming into the car of some irate burly man.

After all, he might be the guy that I switched carts with earlier.

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Your Local Supermarket: Providing low prices and quality products... and all you have to do is allow the store to record the fact that you're buying nothing but canned meat, a tub of margarine, and a bottle of whiskey on a Friday night.