Sudden Death Overtime

A few months ago, I wrote about a few religious zealots who had parked themselves on campus to protest abortions (See this link). They passed out these little cards entitled "Who Will Jesus Damn?," which detailed how the almighty would unleash his wrath upon the effeminate, drunkards, the abominable, whore-mongers, and sorcerers. I got a big kick out of it.

I have a new addition to my religious collection. I got this one at the hockey game on New Years Day (see below) but forgot all about it until I was cleaning up some papers on my desk. It's a little blue pamphlet called "Game 7: Sudden Death Overtime."

Using metaphors is the lifeblood of the English major (see, I just used one), but this pamphlet takes its hockey metaphor to the extreme.

One of the most exciting events for hockey fans is a Stanley Cup Game 7 Sudden Death Overtime. At any moment, it's over instantly. The next goal wins it all-- and the team that loses is sent home empty-handed.

(Thank you, religious pamphlet. I know next to nothing about hockey, and even I know what that is.)

You may wonder why someone gave you this to read. (Because I needed a coaster?) The reason is because life is exactly like Game 7 Overtime (emphasis theirs), except there is no "next season" in life. Instantly, your life could be over. We all think it won't happen to us, but one day will be our very last.

(Maybe I wasn't paying attention in Sunday school, but isn't the whole premise of religion that there IS a "next season" after we die?)

You may think you'll live a long time, but so did over 3000 people on 9/11, many students at Columbine and Virginia Tech, and those who die daily in tragic accidents. Suddenly, they had a "face off" with eternity.

(Now they're bringing in the big tragedies. One can almost hear the violins playing as the black-and-white montage begins) (And a "face off" with eternity?? That doesn't sound scary... that sounds fucking awesome!)

You may not think seriously abut what's "on the other side." Think of it like this though. Sabres fans were quite upset when the team got rid of their two best players, Daniel Briere and Chris Drury. (The pamphlet shows its street cred with its up-to-date sports stats) But the fans had no say. Those who own the Sabres get to decide what to do with their players. (Where are they going with this, you ask?) Like it or not God made this world. The Bible says, "In the beginning, God created the heaven and the Earth." (Genesis 1:1). Hence He owns it. The God of the Bible owns this human team in this stadium called Earth.

(The pamphlet has a faulty understanding of capitalism. My dad built my neighbors' million-dollar super-house, but he doesn't own it just because he created it. Maybe God was a sub-contractor for some other supreme being. Let's get our facts straight here, pamphlet.)

God made the rules and if we don't get familiar with his playbook -- the Holy Bible -- we suffer the consequences.

(If real playbooks included swarms of locusts, plagues of frogs, blood rain, and leprosy, I'd probably be a bigger sports fan.)

Let's see how prepared you are to meet God. (Oh goody!!)

God's word says if you lied, even once in your life, you're a liar. Ever stolen? (If yes, you'd be a thief.) Ever used God's name in vain? (that's blasphemy.) Ever looked at a person with lust? (Jesus said you then committed adultery in your heart.) Had sex outside of marriage? (Then you would be a fornicator.) Been drunk? (That would make you a drunkard.) Ever hated someone? (The Bible says that would make you a murderer.)

(Wait... what?? I was following along until that last one. If you hate someone, you've actually murdered them? If only this were true. I wish I could think a thought and have people burst into flames. It would make English 101 a lot more interesting.)

See, we all deserve to spend eternity in God's "penalty box" -- Hell -- because we are all guilty before a holy, perfect "Owner."

(So if I understand correctly, everyone's guilty no matter what? Then I can pretty much do whatever I want anyway! This is my kind of religion!)

I've got nothing against religious people at all; I respect their beliefs, but the zealots always sorta make me chuckle. I mean, God as hockey owner? Are you kidding me? Who was converted at this game? I want to meet the fan that was reached by this pamphlet alone.

For more information, you can contact the Old Time Baptist Church at endtimesvolfireco@gmail.com (that address isn't even made up).

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Religious pamphlets : the only place I can still see words like "drunkard" and "fornicator" in context these days.