Right Said Fred

"My balls are THIS BIG!"

Fred Thompson is a former Republican senator from Tennessee, and he's currently planning to run for President of the United States in 2008. But to Law & Order aficionados (such as myself), he will always be District Attorney Arthur Branch. On the other hand, as an equally avid Hunt for Red October fan, his bit role as the admiral of the USS Enterprise is also lurking in my mind.

I'm not a very political person. I'm with Lewis Black when it comes to political parties: the Republicans are the party of bad ideas, and the Democrats are the party of no ideas. I'm not sure what I think of Fred Thompson as the President. He's a southern republican (and we all know how THAT worked out last time). But on the other hand, he must be a Law & Order fan, so he scores a few points with me.

His character on Law & Order is mixed bag as far as I'm concerned. On the one hand, the guy certainly has a commanding presence. Even that magnificent bastard Jack McCoy hesitates before squaring off with him. On the other hand, he seems to be an amalgamation of southern cliches. Most conversations with his character amount to McCoy asking about a legal strategy, and Thompson replying with some folksy Southern wisdom like, "Well y'all know it's like my grandpappy used to say - a polecat in the collard greens is worth two coons in the holler."

He hasn't officially announced his candidacy for the Presidency, but he has said that he's "testing the waters." At first I was very annoyed at this news. I was under the impression that all TV stations must give equal air-time to all political candidates. I was concerned that this would seriously curtail my enjoyment of Law & Order reruns given how many episodes that southern sumbitch appears in.

But then I found out that this equal air-time law only applies to the big networks (ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, and CW). So TNT, USA, and BRAVO (which run the three Law & Order series like porn at a frat party) can continue to show episodes with that good ol' boy Freddy to their heart's content.

So here's to you, Fred Thompson! If there's going to be a close-minded Southern Republican windbag running for President, I hope it's you.

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Fred Thompson - Making people from the North feel like a bunch of pussies since 1942.