I Fought the Law and Actually Won!

Once again, the local law enforcement put the renegade JP firmly in their sights. I don't know what it is about me that attracts the Fuzz, but for once, I actually managed to come out unscathed.

Last night, the Worthington American Legion [an even dinkier town near Kittanning] held a virtual horse race to raise money for the local baseball team. Some guy has a whole collection of taped horse races. People can buy horses or simply bet on them in each race. Each horse is assigned a number, and then people bet on the horses before the tape is played. The tapes are completely random, so no one can know the outcome of the race.

It is indeed as stupid as it sounds, but it's actually a lot of fun. The biggest selling point is that it's five bucks to get in, but there's all the food you can eat and all the beer you can drink. It's a regular Kittanning paradise!

I didn't win anything at the races, but I did have quite a bit of beer. Given my height and girth, I can have quite a bit of booze before I get drunk. When I left the place around 11pm, I felt fine even though I'd probably had seven or eight beers.

But then on my way home, I see a sobriety checkpoint. Again, I don't think I'm drunk, but I've been wrong before. I pull up to the checkpoint and talk to the officer:
ME: "Evening officer!"
OFFICER: "We're conducting a sobriety checkpoint. Have you had anything to drink tonight?"
ME: "Yeah, a couple of drinks."
OFFICER: "How many is a couple?"
ME: "Maybe three or four over the last few hours." (LIE!)
OFFICER: "Where are you coming from?"
ME: "Um... well... it's this virtual... horse race thing where you bet on the horses... on the videos..."

It's damn near impossible to explain the virtual horse races without sounding like a lunatic. In retrospect, I should have expected...

OFFICER: "Would you mind stepping out of the vehicle sir."

Off we go to the side of the road. As we're walking, I'm going over the various sobriety checks in my head. I can do the backwards alphabet thing. I can even touch my nose. Hell, he could make me recite the Preamble to the Constitution, and I probably would have aced the test. But nooo!

OFFICER: "I'm going to have you walk an imaginary straight line walking heel-to-toe for nine steps."

I started to get nervous. I can't walk on a balance beam in the middle of the day. Sure enough, I couldn't keep my balance because my thunder-thighs kept getting in the way. But then came test two:

OFFICER: "I want you to lift your foot straight out in front of you for seven seconds. You count until I tell you to stop."

Now, I think I did this one pretty well. I had my foot in the air for seven seconds, but he didn't tell me to stop. I kept going until fourteen seconds, at which point I stumbled. He shook his head as if to say, "Tsk tsk, you rummy!" I was beginning to suspect a conspiracy. He finally calls to his buddy:

OFFICER: "Hey Larry! Go get the breathalyser for this one!"

He then turns to me.

OFFICER: "You did so-so on the test, so we're going to have to take a breathalyser."

So they give me the elaborate instructions, but I've done the breathalyser before. Down in Morgantown, they don't waste time. They just have you sit in your car and take the breathalyser from the get-go. It's quite a time saver. I apparently fucked up the operations of the breathalyser too. His buddy yells, "YOU AIN'T BLOWIN' HARD ENOUGH!" I haven't had that sort of chastisement since I was selling nickel blowjobs down on the Rail Trail.

The officer was looking at the breathalyser with what could only be described as delighted anticipation. This asshole was just salivating over the idea of sending me to jail. He seemed crestfallen and amazed when he said, "You passed!!... How many did you say you had?"

Feeling a certain smug superiority now, I reiterated, "I told you... three or four. I'm a big guy. I can drink quite a bit." He had to let me go. But before I left, he asked, "Where you headed to?" I said, "Back home." Which was a lie. I was planning to head down to a bar downtown. I almost told him that (to be an even bigger smartass), but I thought better of it.

While the whole ordeal was kind of embarrassing (a lot of cars got to witness my fun test), I got a big kick out of actually beating the officers at their own game. It was nice to actually be innocent for a change. There have been a few times when I've driven my car when maybe it wasn't quite the best idea, but it's never been for a long distance. I think I'll have to be more careful in the future, since it's clear that the law enjoys fucking with me at sobriety checkpoints as well as speed traps. I did have the foresight to not have anything else to drink at the bar. I made it an early night. Proving one's own incompetence while soberly performing a sobriety test is a definite buzz kill.

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POLICE: 6 JP: 1