The Lazy Man's Guide to English Class

Ah, fuck it. I'll do it tomorrow.

The apathy that I feel toward graduate school continues to grow. I've decided that I definitely don't want to get a doctorate in English, and this whole lifestyle of academia is really starting to wear me down. I just don't care about the material anymore. The books keep changing, but the conversations never do. We read the book, have a conversation that goes nowhere, write a paper about something pointless, and then move on. It's like having a DJ who switches up the songs, but you keep doing the macarena.

Well, to combat my boredom, I try to adapt the classes to suit my interests. One time I wrote a paper about how Georgio Agamben's theories about the homo sacer could be applied to Battlestar Galactica. But when I just can't pull that off, I've developed some strategies for getting around the reading.

First and Last Chapter: This is an old idea, but it works. Read the back cover of the book first to get a general idea of the plot. Also read the reviews to get an idea of what more interested parties think of the meaningless drivel that you're planning to avoid. Then read the first chapter and last chapter. You should be able to get an idea of the style, and you'll be able to quickly tell who didn't die.

Understanding Book Selection: In graduate school, English professors don't choose books that are plot-driven or have an overall positive effect (you know, enjoyable books). Instead, you can expect the book to have a minimal plot, a depressing ending, and characters who spend a lot of time bemoaning their lives. If you notice that the cover has pictures of random household objects (a paper clip, an iron, maybe a matchbook cover), then beware the "experimental style" of the author (run-on sentences, random spacing, no commas, refusing to use the letter "E," etc.).

Wikipedia: Always do a Wikipedia search for the book or at least the author. There are days when I think I'd rather live my life without genitals than without Wikipedia.

Body Language: When it comes time to discuss the book, avoid the typical giveaways of not having read the material: sitting in the back, keeping your head low, flipping through pages, etc. Professors are tuned into this stuff and will spot you immediately. Instead, strut into the room, sit near the front, and then lounge about casually as though you're so prepared that you expect the class to be a complete bore. Be sure to talk to other people before class starts to show that you're not nervous. Scribble random shit in a notebook to give the appearance of having a clue. Also, make sure that you've underlined random passages and stretched out the binding of the book. You don't want your book to look like it just came out of the wrapping (even if it did).

Piecing Together the Plot: During the class discussion, you should be able to pick up the rudimentary plot based on what other people refer to. When someone mentions something that wasn't in the first or last chapter, nod your head and maybe say something like, "Yeah, that was a really big moment in the book for me."

Bash the Book: It takes balls to bash a graduate class reading, so do it. Whenever someone mentions a certain part of the book that they liked, you say, "Well I'm going to have to disagree with you there. I thought that whole section was really cliched." You may look like an idiot, but no one will think that you haven't read the book.

Outside References: Use books that you HAVE read to talk about the book you haven't. You get bonus points for referring to a literary theorist (Foucault, Benjamin, and Agamben are good ones).

Do a "Close Reading": Since you've only read a small portion of the book, hijack the class discussion by milking the first and last chapter for everything they're worth. Pick a good paragraph from the first paragraph and analyze it to death. If you're good, you can compare that paragraph to an outside reference too.

Use English-Majory Terms: When all else fails, use literary terms that no one can argue with. Words like intertextuality, hyper-real, cliched, post-colonial, parse, verisimilitude, dichotomy, and individuation will give you the pomposity (another good one) that you're looking for. You get Triple Word Score if you use a Latin word or phrase.

Writing the Paper: If you do things right, you should read at least one of the books in a grad class so that you can write your paper on it. If you're being a super-slacker and not reading any of the books, then I have two words: online articles. Find a few online journal articles that other, more committed (in every sense of the word) individuals wrote about the book. They should all have enough summary for you to piece together your own argument.

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Such is the way of the lazy English grad student. Of course, if the book is on Sparknotes, you're made in the shade. Grab a few random quotes from the book and go to it. However you decide to get around the work, feel confident in your ability to bullshit your way through a graduate class book discussion. If my years of studying English have taught me anything it's that those who have mastered language can bullshit their way out of any given situation. When you're dealing with a group of people who've mastered language, there's so much bullshit flying around the room that no one will be able to discern your shit from anyone else's. It all smells the same.


Graduate School: Teaching you how to become a pompous blowhard without even trying.