Why I'm Awesomer Than Virgil

In response to "Why I'm Awesome" by Virgil.

In her most recent blog post and in the comments for my last post, Virgil has been challenging the essence of my being for no honorable reason. Laughing at me, you say? Don't bother with a reply, you say? Well, madam, I shall not take these indignities sitting down. Why, I'll even be standing as I type.

So here is why *I* am awesome... specifically, how I surpass Virgil's awesomeness in every respect that she lists:

1. My child is better than Virgil's child because mine is imaginary. I named him "I Get to Sleep Through the Night and Never Change Diapers or Help with Homework." ... Or "Junior" for short.

2. I am also a writer, but I don't adhere to outmoded colonialist narrative structures that incorporate detail, motivation, and perspective in a dictatorial attempt to destroy more enlightened stylistic forms. While to the untrained eye my writing may seem pedantic, meandering, hackneyed, or plodding, I'm actually subverting the traditional authorial and didactic expectations of a post-structuralist readership. Epic win!

3. The truth is just an excuse for a lack of imagination. I will not insult the creative impulses of my friends, family, or students by giving them a cliched "truth" when a lovingly crafted fabrication stimulates the mind in a far superior manner. And how can I be expected to get anything done without the careful and skillful manipulation of those around me? What you would call manipulation, I call leadership!

4. Backbones can be broken, but spineless folk like me are more flexible and adaptable. The world punishes initiative and gumption but rewards cowardice and a lackadaisical attitude. When a Virgil goes down after challenging someone more powerful than herself, there will be a JP there to suck up to the new boss and earn favors. It's all about the endgame, Ms. Virgil.

5. A toilet can stir shit. I am not impressed. Besides, white males the size of most doorways seldom earn people's sympathy with finesse. When retaliation is required, I bluntly state my case. When that inevitably fails, I utilize my spineless nature to beg forgiveness. Then with all the time I saved, I spend the evening drinking myself silly to forget why I ever wanted to retaliate in the first place. Efficiency, madam, I has it!

6. I'm not just a "pretty good" teacher... I'm an EXCELLENT teacher! Not only have my students labeled me "ballin' out of control" and "better looking than most of the other English TAs," but I effectively prattle on for an entire class period to provide the illusion of an education without ever having to actually instruct about anything useful. It's acute business sense. Sell nothing but earn money-dollars. Coming to my class was like buying a pet rock... looks pretty, but it's fundamentally worthless. Financial cunning, Ms. Virgil. That's what I call it. Just wait until you see the business model for my Thneed company.

7. I am the ultimate man about town... mostly because I never go out. The suspense only whets the appetite of the community. And when I do go out, I also look smashing in a dress or leather pants. And when I drink, there is never want for entertainment, because as long as a karaoke machine is nearby, prepare to be regaled by the finest rendition of "Hungry Like the Wolf" that you've ever heard! Why I can hear those melodious strains now....

It's clear who wins here, Ms. Virgil. JP represents the epitome of humanity! Your attempts to bait me with baseless insults were fruitless.

:)
---------------------------------
"A true victory is to make your enemies see that they were wrong to oppose you in the first place."

How About a Little Fire, Strawman?

Believe it or not, since the presidential elections, I've made a conscious effort to avoid blogging about politics (with a few minor exceptions) for three reasons. First, my opinions are seldom supported by factual evidence; therefore, they shouldn't change anyone else's opinions. Second, despite any evidence to the contrary, I try to be funny, and I know many readers of mine disagree with me politically, which can interfere with the yuk yuks. Third, it's often pointless since political discourse has consisted of the "yes to change" and "no to change" crowd arguing back and forth for centuries. Look at the Greeks. They bitched about the same basic stuff... only with togas and pederasty.

But then I have to listen to Mr. Employer blather on about politics, and it riles me up something fierce. It's not that I particularly care about what he says (I'm sympathetic to conservative political causes even if I have no tolerance for their social ones), it's his argument strategy. You would think as an Ivy League graduate (University of Pennsylvania) that he would not only be able to observe everyday logical fallacies, but that he might be able to avoid them most of the time as well. And yet, whenever Mr. Employer wants to talk politics, I am cordially introduced to his friend, Mr. Strawman.

Put simply, a strawman is an argument in which you portray your opponent in a laughably simplistic way and then argue against an exaggerated (or outright wrong) version of his or her position. The idea being that you've created a man made of straw, fought it, and declared victory while never touching your true opponent. For instance:
"We can't have cake for dessert. If we ate cake all day, we'd all get diabetes."
The strawman argument is essentially the grownup version of a parent telling a child, "If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you do it, too?" in response to a completely different request. Pundits or comedians sometimes use strawmen in a *wink wink* sort of way where they know it's absurd, but they're making a larger point. Mr. Employer, however, genuinely seems to believe in the ridiculous opponent he's trying to argue against.

A few days ago, he was arguing about the new health care plan. I don't pretend to understand it, and I'm sure it's riddled with flaws (many government programs are), but to hear him tell it, you'd think that Obama and his "socialist buddies" are deliberately working to overthrow American democracy as we know it. His basic argument:
"If this new health care system is implemented, we're going to have the same system as Canada, and that system has flaws X, Y, and Z."
From my limited understanding of the new health care proposals, there are some major differences between what the new health care plan and what Canada has. But still, look at his argument. He's not arguing against the new health care plan, he's bitching about Canada's. When I pointed this out, he wasn't pleased, but insisted, "We'd be well on our way to that sort of system in no time." In addition to inviting his relative Uncle Slippery Slope to his party of rhetorical fail, he doesn't seem to want to explore the social, economic, cultural, and political differences between the United States and Canada that might create a few differences in how our medical care might work.

In the world of Mr. Employer, all democrats are freedom-hating, dictatorial, socialist, business-challenged, minority-loving conspirators who are working to undermine the honest and true hard-working American businessman (i.e. him).** He does this bullshit all the time. Last week it was welfare reform. To hear him tell it, you'd think that everyone below the poverty line is an unethical, lazy, and mooching liar who will simply suckle the federal welfare tit for all eternity... and enjoy it! (Though who wouldn't enjoy eternal tit sucking, no matter how metaphorical it might be?) When I asked about, for instance, coal miners who work 12-hour days and still make shit for wages, he promptly started on a tirade about how the environmental whackos are keeping clean coal from revolutionizing our energy policy.

He drives me fucking mad when he's talking politics. Typically I don't argue with him because it's entirely pointless. Sometimes my silence leads to hilarious examples of overgeneralizations on his part. One time he was bitching about atheists and said, "Atheists really have no basis for their morality... they don't have a reference like you and me." My inner one-upper wanted so badly to scream, "I'M AN ATHEIST, YOU DUNDERHEAD!" But then I realized that he wasn't going to be convinced, and I'd only piss off my primary source of income. So as has become my mantra, I wisely remained silent.

Once again, I have no quarrel with conservative policies. I can appreciate the view even if I disagree with it. But if you want to argue, learn how to do it. Otherwise, do what I do and keep your mouth shut.

Unless you have a blog... then you can blather on for an eternity with your ill-informed opinions.

** Not to be confused with the opposing strawman that paints all Republicans as women-hating, money-grubbing, tree-burning, Bible-thumping, Klan members.

------------------------------------------
"It is the duty of every citizen according to his best capacities to give validity to his convictions in political affairs." -- Albert Einstein (apparently never having met Mr. Employer)

Planeteer Alert!

Despite what my brother would consider to be my touchy-feely liberal tendencies, I really don't care about the environment. Academically speaking, I understand the impact of pollution and the importance of maintaining a stable ecosystem; however, emotionally I typically can't muster the wherewithal to be truly upset by environmental issues. Perhaps it comes from too many years of watching Captain Planet; now I expect serious environmental violators to be malevolent and dastardly mutants who pollute just for the fun of it. Hell, one of the villains was named Looten Plunder. How do you beat a name like that? Answer: you can't.

My environmental apathy typically continues unchecked until, every once in awhile, I stumble across some information regarding the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. No, this is not the mythical home of the Garbage Pail and Cabbage Patch Kids. In fact, it's a giant island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean that's twice the size of Texas... and it's made up entirely of garbage. It's also colloquially known as the Pacific Trash Vortex, which is a way cooler name.

Simply put, the currents in the North Pacific Ocean (the North Pacific Gyre) gather all the garbage in the ocean and bring it into a swirling but stable area where it can fester forever. Said garbage kills fish and other marine life. Have you ever let a bag of trash sit outside for too long? Well multiply that by about one trillion and then let is stew in water. It's not hard to see why this sucker would be problematic.

In any case, this is an environmental tidbit that people can wrap their heads around. "Floating garbage island twice the size of Texas" stays with a person far better than "Global warming will make the Earth's temperature rise a few degrees in a hundred years." While the latter is serious, it doesn't sound serious to a lot of folks. A new continent made of garbage really sounds like a big problem.

The beautiful thing is that this trash vortex is getting larger. More and more garbage keeps accumulating. There's something sadistically fascinating about the whole thing. Part of me wants to see this eco-disaster get worse and worse. At the moment, the vortex isn't visible by satellite (so no chance of finding it on Google Maps, I'm afraid) because it all floats on the water's surface, but maybe if we let the sumbitch accumulate into a super-sized mass of used tires, discarded diapers, and old Filet o' Fish wrappers, we can have ourselves a new garbage continent called Trashica.

------------------------------

"By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!"

The Summer of George

"My name is George. I'm unemployed, and I live with my parents."

With so many television shows out there, I think everyone can find some television character who embodies their circumstances if not their personality. Batmite is a shorter, paunchier version of Raj from The Big Bang Theory. Dave is the Tweek character from South Park. And I've maintained for some time that Kyra Sedgwick's character from The Closer is essentially Virgil if she were a police chief.

But those are all endearing characters. I realized a few weeks ago while watching Seinfeld that I am the living embodiment of George Costanza.

The line inspiring that train of thought is clearly the one at the top. If that isn't the most succinct summation of my circumstances (brought on when George decides to do the opposite of his natural insticts by being completely honest with a woman), then I don't know what is. In addition, George repeatedly fails with women, complains about insignificant minutiae, and lives vicariously through the interesting lives of others. And in the long-running Seinfeld plotline of George and Jerry trying to create a pilot for a sitcom, George fancies himself a marketable writer despite never actually selling any written material.

Given that George is something of a fictionalized version of Larry David, the creator of Seinfeld and current star of Curb Your Enthusiasm, I also find myself frequently sympathizing with the main character of that latter show. George, Larry David, and I could all sit down and have a marvelous lunch together. We're all essentially the same person.

Except I'm not bald.... or Jewish.... yet.

More Costanza quotes that apply to me:

"If you take everything I've accomplished in my life and condense it down to one day, it looks decent."

"I'm disturbed; I'm depressed; I'm inadequate; I've got it all!"

"I was living the dream. I was stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery."

"You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details? Now you listen to me. I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job. I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you GET in the mood!"

"I'm ALL awkward pauses!"

---------------------------------
"The jerk store called... they're running out of you!"

Because I Said So, That's Why!

My online teacher is an arrogant ball bag!

For my final paper (three are a total of three papers and one portfolio), Professor Douchenozzle required a research paper about the No Child Left Behind Act. Given that it's the dominating legislation in education today, the topic seemed reasonable. However, when I went to the library last weekend to start researching, I was flabbergasted to discover that on the prompt he wrote, "It's hard to say how many pages this will be, but 10 is a good place to start." Lest you think I'm getting worked up about nothing, 10 pages is the same number of pages required for a final paper in gradute school... in English! ...where writing is the whole point. Also, this flew in the face of his course syllabus, which claimed that all the papers were three pages long.

To add further insult to injury, I went to the course website and discovered that the point values for our first three-page bullshit paper and this new 10-page monstrosity were the same. Both papers were apparently worth 300 points. Needless to say, I suspected that this might be an error or an extremely stupid decision on his part, so I sent him an email asking why the two papers were with the same number of points since the workload was clearly far heavier for the latter.

Also in the email, I asked him why the sample portfolio provided on the course website had almost nothing to do with the prompt provided. I'm usually pretty good at figuring out where teachers are coming from with their examples, but I couldn't make heads or tails of it. So I politely (honest!) asked about the point values and the portfolio sample.

Here was his response:

Mr. [MY LAST NAME]:

This is a 200 level EDU class. NCLB is THE topic of most import in education today. Don't worry about 'points.' Worry about presenting a paper that fulfills the requirements. If it does not seem fair to you, you always have the option of not doing it.

Read the folder: the INTASC standards are a "possible format" offered as a guide if you wanted some direction. As stated, we developed the format in an in-class Foundations class. They make clear sense if you understand they provide a coherent template for a port.

First of all, he talks about a "200 level class" as though only the most prestigious doctors and lawyers have signed up to take his lofty course. He's teaching an introductory course about education to a class that should be made up of freshmen and sophomores. As a former grad student, I'm the exception - not the rule. Furthermore, it's at a community college! Should this jackass really be flouting his holier than thou attitude? I realize I went to WVU, which is hardly a scholarly mecca, but at least that's a state university.

Ten-page papers aren't easy to write. They require a thorough understanding of how to craft an extended argument, and even in grad school I sometimes struggled with them. Granted, I think I'm pretty good at writing them now, but what about freshmen or sophomores who have only ever written four-page papers for their community college writing courses? It's not like he offers any help. In his requirement for an abstract, he writes, "If you don't know what an abstract is, any standard writing book will tell you." That's right, you dumb and poor bastards. Go look it up yourself! I'm just your teacher; I'm not going to lower myself to actually TEACH you anything.

And he acts like I've offended his sensibilities by asking about the grading system. I realize that grades aren't everything, but I do like to have some idea of how I'll be assessed in a class. It's not unreasonable to expect that longer and more detailed assignments that require more research and writing will be worth more than short three-page assignments that I can churn out in half an hour. Furthemore, he raved about my first paper, and he praised my writing skills and my commitment to going above and beyond the requirements of the class in answering the question. Did he really need to take a tone of complete and disdainful condescention when responding to (what I thought were) my reasonable concerns?And his response to my portfolio question essentially amounts to, "Read it again. If you understand it, it'll make sense." Seriously, nothing in his response makes any fucking sense. The prompt makes no reference to how that example gels with what's required.

As you may have guessed, I resented his implications that my questions were those of a stupid and lazy person who didn't bother to read directions. I wanted so badly to write a snarky and scathing response brimming with vitriol and dripping with sarcasm. But I quickly dismissed that idea. The arrogant old prick still has to give me a grade for the class, and I'm sure burning my bridges before I even cross them would be considered unwise. And he's the chair of CCAC's English department. I may never go to that dump again, but he may have connections that could bite me in the ass later in life. Suppose his wife is the principal of a school that I want a job at someday. Knowing my luck, that would certainly be the case. So instead of tearing him a new one, I took the opposite track. I sent a quick and thoroughly heartfelt reply that read:

Dear Professor [ASSHOLE'S LAST NAME HERE]:

Thank you for the clarification. I didn't mean to sound disrespectful or disparaging. The assignments will be completed fully and on time.

Deep inside me somewhere, I truly hope that he would feel guilty that I sound so repentant for having offended his sensibilities. But given this guy's track record (his emails to the class are equally condescending and rude), I suspect he simply nodded and said to himself, "Finally, someone who recognizes the splendor of my magnficence."

Arrogant old asshole probably thinks he's too good to be teaching at a community college and delights in his own superiority complex. One more week and I can bid his inflated ego a fond adieu.

-----------------------------------
JP doesn't think he was ever this much of a douchebag to his own students, though surely at least one of them would disagree...

Prophet Margins

"L-l-l-l-let my p-p-p-p-people g-g-g-g-go!!"

In her most recent church bulletin, Mrs. Employer included the following selection. My favorite parts are highlighted in blue.

The next time you feel bad or useless and are too far from God to do any good, just remember...

Noah was a drunk
Isaac was a daydreamer
Leah was ugly
Moses had a stuttering problem
Sampson had long hair and was a womanizer
Rahab was a prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David had an affair and was a murderer
Elijah was suicidal
Jonah ran from God
Job went bankrupt
Peter denied Christ
Martha worried about everything
The Samaritan woman was divorced... more than once
Zacchaeus was too small
Timothy had an ulcer
Abraham was too old
Jacob was a liar
Joseph was abused
Gideon was afraid
Isaiah preached naked
Naomi was a widow
John the Baptist ate bugs
The disciples fell asleep while praying
Paul was too religious
AND Lazarus was dead!

This may be the greatest religious compilation I've seen since I watched Monty Python's The Life of Brian. I understand that Mrs. Employer is trying to humanize the characters of the Bible, but in doing so, she inadvertently created much delight for this humble nonbeliever. I thought that these prophets were supposed to be role models and that we're supposed to take our guiding moral principles from the Bible? I've already mentioned in a previous post that Moses is a murderer, but he apparently has a stuttering problem, too. He's starting to sound more and more like a sociopath every day. And he's not even the only murderer on the list. David's a noted killer as well.

I didn't know Noah was a drunk, but if I had to spend 40 days and 40 nights on a mythical ship filled with animals, I'd probably hit the sauce too.

The list makes the people of the Bible out to be adulterers, womanizers, prostitutes, drunks, and killers. I thoroughly approve. While it seems peculiar that Mrs. Employer, devout Christian that she is, would want to emphasize that the very people she reveres are also wildly inappropriate, I can see how it would help to comfort mere mortals who fear they're not good enough for God. Of course, it doesn't say much for God that this so-called supreme being cavorts with such questionable folks.

Isaiah and John the Baptist are my favorites. They preached naked and ate bugs respectively. Nudists and bug-eaters always meet with my approval. I also like that Paul was "too religious" for God. The implications of that statement are staggering.

Some of these "weaknesses" seem a bit judgmental though. Why are having long hair, having an ulcer, and being ugly considered problematic? Is Jesus a hippie-hating, jalapeno-eating, narcissistic asshole?

Lazarus rising from the dead is just awesome whether it actually happened or not. Immortality shouldn't be considered a personality defect.

The moral of this lesson is that you can do pretty much whatever you like... God will forgive you anyway.

Especially if you kill someone... so stab away my gentile friends!

--------------------------------
"Whoa! Is that really the blood of Christ?"
"Yes."
"That guy must have been wasted 24/7!"

Tales of Astounding Nothingness

I don't know if you've noticed or not, but I feel that the quality of my blog posts has been slipping in the last few months. There are likely those among you who feel that there has been no change in quality - that I have sucked since the beginning. That's a valid argument, so I won't disagree. I suppose I could chalk that up to lack of talent, but I prefer a much simpler (and less self-effacing) explanation:

My life is boring.

I sometimes feel like I've run out of stories to tell. Here is a typical day:
7:00 - Alarm goes off
7:30 - JP actually wakes up
8:30 - JP works out for an hour
10:00 - JP goes to work
10:00 - 4:30 - JP spends hours on end typing old sermons into Microsoft Word
5:00 - Dinner
6:00 - 8:00 - Waste time watching TV
8:00 - 9:00 - Make some feeble attempt to work on my online course or perhaps enjoy other sinful pleasures of the internet
9:00 - 10:00 - Either read or watch some other mind-numbing TV
11:00 - 12:00 - Daily Show and Colbert Report
12:00 - Bed
12:00 - 7:00 - Dreams of one day rising to the level of mediocre success

And so it goes. Sometimes if I'm feeling really ambitious, I'll do some writing for the secretive fiction project that I'm working on. (I'm convinced maybe 5 people read this blog anymore, so admitting that won't affect much.) And then there's the Firemen's Band, and while there's plenty of drunken revelry to be had, nothing blog-worthy ever really happens there.

I'm not really bored like I was last summer. I'm just boring. I have plenty of stuff to keep me occupied, but it's the same stuff over and over again. I don't mind the repetition, but a tangential result of my humdrum life is that I have no fun tales of interest to tell in real life or on this blog. When I was teaching, I never knew what sort of bizarre, self-serving, wholly-stupid things my students would get into, so that was always a reliable source of entertainment.

Granted, I could always just repeatedly blog about the strange attitudes of Mr. and Mrs. Employer or the rampant and stupid belief in Ayn Rand's Objectivism that seems to permeate the Firemen's Band, but that could become dull and tedious rather quickly. I've given some consideration to dedicating my time to more fictional posts such as The Once and Future JP, Reader Mail, or my weeks-long Presidential Run. That last one was particularly fun.

Once school starts back up in the fall, I'm sure I'll have plenty of stories about returning to "graduate school" and student teaching. Until then, I have to give some thought to what I want to blog about. Bear with me. The part of your brain that appreciates that perfect blend of high-brow entertainment and poop jokes will thank you.

------------------------------------
"Go to beige alert... and tell my wife I said, 'Hello.'"

Man of the People

Democracy is overrated.

I spent this afternoon at a nearby college library researching the No Child Left Behind Act for the final paper of my online course (which must incidentally be a minimum of 10 pages long - the same length as a paper for a graduate English course, but that's another rant). In my reading, I learned some interesting facts from the a report published by the National Assessment of Educational Progress in 1998:
>> 10 million high school students cannot read at the basic level.
>> More than 25 million students do not know basic U.S. history.
>> More than 20 million high school students cannot do basic math.
Not too long ago, in a source I've since forgotten (because I wasn't planning to do any citations with it), I learned that 2/3 of Americans don't know that the United States has three branches of government. I thought that was American Civics 101!?

Rampant ignorance hardly surprises me. In simply observing the world, one can conclude that most of the world simply isn't that educated. I'm not talking about intelligence here; statistically speaking, approximately 49% of the American public should be of above average intelligence. A person can be smart and still uneducated, and according to just about every measure American public schools, our country isn't exactly a crew of scholars.

Which brings me back to my original statement about democracy. The common wisdom in America is that we have a government "of the people, by the people, and for the people." But the much ballyhooed "people" don't inspire me with a lot of confidence. In fact, most of the founding fathers felt the same way. That's why we don't really have a true "democracy" in this country - we have a republic. We elect who we feel is the most qualified to represent our interests and make intelligent decisions on our behalf.

I always grumble when I hear people talk about how elected officials should listen to their constituencies and do whatever they want. It sounds nice in theory, but think about the complications in practice. In determining policies and laws, officials should ideally be poring over dozens if not hundreds of documents to research all the angles and points of view. Then intelligent decisions can be made by people who actually know what they're talking about. Remember, 2/3 of the American public doesn't even know that we HAVE three branches of government, so putting stock in their opinion of government issues seems unwise to me.

If you want a nice counterexample, take a look at California. They really do have a democracy with regards to all laws. Whenever some new legislation is introduced, Californians go to the polls to vote on it. Again, this sounds great in theory, but remember the blithering idiots who are voting. For instance, when Proposition 8 (regarding gay marriage) came up for a vote, do you think every Californian considered the legal, historical, sociological, and political implications of the decision? Or do you think most of them just said, "I hate those fucking faggots!" or "Gay people seem nice to me!" and cast their vote accordingly?

Now lest you think I put myself above everyone else, let me just say that I have very little understanding of most political issues. I stay reasonably well-informed with regards to what's happening in the country and the world, but when it comes to specific legislation, I'm just as ignorant as the next guy. I put a lot of faith in my elected officials to make the right calls. And I don't care how informed you are; on some level everyone does. We all can't be informed on every single area that the government handles. There are government agencies overseeing the economy, global warming, education, health care, agriculture, industry, transportation, parks, international relations, and countless other issues that concern all of us. We elected people we find to be credible and intelligent, and we trust them to wade through the mountains of legal mumbo-jumbo in order to make the right calls.

I don't want the government to listen to me. I don't know shit! I approach government this way: I observe my elected officials and if their results are positive, I just might reelect them. I try not to get hung up on specific policies because there could be 100 different perspectives that I failed to consider in forming my opinion. Should our sales tax be increased to 23% so that we can reduce income and property taxes? Hell if I know. Don't ask me about it, Mr. Elected Official, and don't look at the opinion polls. Go ask some economists with twelve degrees and look at some industry reports. Quit using "the will of the people" as an excuse for making bad policy. People are fucking dumb.

Of course, this whole argument is undercut by the corrupt, ignorant, glory-seeking, money-grubbing, ass-kissing, philandering politicians who litter our public offices.... and that doesn't even include Sarah Palin and Mark Sanford!

I suppose we could always try to educate the masses... though that would be a job for those educator-types who want to be high school teachers. And we all know how loony those people are!

-----------------------------------
JP realizes that he's practically declared his full support for some sort of bourgeois dictatorship, so feel free to completely disregard his entire argument.

All the News That's Fit to Print

Well, my adoring fans, I've hit the big time! After laboring in obscurity for 25 long years, the news media has finally recognized me: I'm on the front page of The Leader Times, Kittanning's most prestigious (re: only) newspaper. Not only did I make page one, but it happened in a week when Michael Jackson's death and funeral steamrolled every other major story in the world. I beat the King of Pop!! Eat your own lyrics, Michael, and BEAT IT!

Of course, I graciously share my fame with the Firemen's Band drum major and my fellow tromboner, but I clearly dominate the left portion of that photo. I'm just not sure how I'll cope with my throngs of adoring female fans who want me to sign their breasts. I guess I'll just have to suck it up and make the best of it.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go bask in my fame for awhile longer. I've now joined the ranks of other distinguished and acclaimed persons from the Leader Times' front page including the homely woman who makes wind chimes from old cran-grape juice containers and Filet o' Fish wrappers and the elderly man who grew the largest pumpkin in the tri-county area.

--------------------------------
The Leader Times: Possessing excellent taste in photography since July 6, 2009.

Cooking with JP

You know me as the charming, witty, super-sexy blogger who amuses you while you're procrastinating at work or recovering after an intense hour at porn sites. But today I added a new skill to my repertoire: I can prepare an edible meal that other people actually like!

My parents were both out of town yesterday and part of today, leaving me to handle dinner for my two younger brothers and me. Typically, I go straight for the easiest dinner possible and make a beeline for the pizza delivery menu on the refrigerator. But I've gotten pretty tired of fast food dinners of late, so I decided to actually prepare something on my own. My two youngest brothers were perfect for my experiment because they're far more likely to eat whatever glop I'd prepare than to go to the trouble of getting anything else.

The first night was pretty tame. I just made some generic macaroni and cheese, which was actually a minor accomplishment for me because usually when I make macaroni and cheese, it's often a watery, soggy mess. I've since learned to drain properly, so that's less of an issue now.

But this evening I was feeling particularly ambitious. Earlier today, Mrs. Employer recruited me to help her make a pierogi casserole for some sort of church function. The damn thing looked delicious by the time we were done (and was filled with enough cheese to choke a Packers fan), so after that, a Big Bacon Classic just wasn't going to cut it. With no easy-fix meals in the pantry, I scoured our house for whatever might be edible. I found some chicken breasts, white rice, and frozen french-cut green beans. As you might imagine, I made some chicken breasts with white rice and french-cut green beans. Emeril would hardly be impressed, but I'd rather woo Rachael Ray anyway. The process was even easier than I'd anticipated because the chicken that my parents had purchased was already pre-breaded and ready to go. I had the materials and wherewithal to bread the chicken myself, so I want brownie points for having the skill set (though a pan of brownies would be nice too). I jazzed the chicken up a bit with some basil and shredded cheese on top, and voila! Instant deliciousness!

I really do enjoy cooking stuff. Granted, the day to day business of preparing meals would get tedious, but every once in awhile, I think it's fun to try to make a delicious dish. When I lived by myself, I could make a pretty respectable batch of chili, a mean pasta primavera, and a truly excellent tortellini salad that I bastardized from a friend (LD) into a much more unhealthy concoction featuring a ton of salami and feta cheese. And, of course, let's not forget the baked chicken.

One of the hindrances to cooking on my own is that it's often a big pain in the ass to cook for just one person (or even two when I was with Batmite). Another problem is that I don't really understand what the spices do. I wouldn't be able to tell the difference between cilantro, basil, and dill weed if Paula Dean were holding a machete to my throat and demanding that I do a blind taste test. Furthermore, I always get the timing all wrong. I guarantee that any side dishes I'm making will be done ten minutes before the main course. This is why anything I could make in a crock pot was golden to me!

I could be cooking at home, but an audience makes the whole thing even worse. If I screw something up on my own, I'm the only one who has to choke the food down. If I screw up at home, five people miss out on dinner. And in my family, you don't want to be responsible for that mistake! And once again, the spices screw me over because I've noticed that half of my family likes spicy and sour things like I do, but the other half doesn't. Cooking for other people is hard! Why can't everyone enjoy a tasty cucumber salad with vinegar, parmesean cheese, and a boatload of pepper and a batch of hot buffalo chicken wings with bleu cheese on the side? Although I probably shouldn't eat that meal if I have to be around other people the same day.

I may have to start playing around in the kitchen more often though. I really need to start compiling some recipes that are tasty but that also don't take half a day to prepare. I should probably start with casseroles and work my way down. One of these days I'll get my dad to show me how to make kugelis and some of the other bacon-filled Lithuanian dishes that he knows. That way I can make myself look even thinner by packing my dinner guests with tasty and mouth-watering cholesterol!

Oh who am I kidding? I could eat a whole pan of that stuff myself!

-----------------------
This post in no way serves as a contractual obligation for JP or any other persons associated with The Undesirable Element to prepare dinner at home on a daily basis. Bribery must be utilized for such an arrangement.